


This is heaven to no one else but me.

by graceisintodrummers



Series: HarryandLouis [3]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: AU where the boys are out to the world, Advent, Baby, Christmas, Family, Fluff, Friendship, Letters, Love, Multi, Parents, a little Angst too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-02
Updated: 2014-12-24
Packaged: 2018-02-27 21:12:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 34,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2706959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/graceisintodrummers/pseuds/graceisintodrummers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's December again.</p><p>Harry wants a baby.<br/>Louis would do anything to make his boyfriend happy.<br/>Zayn wants to take a another step.<br/>Liam tries to figure things out.<br/>Niall is the captain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 12/1/2014

**Author's Note:**

> This is part of the HarryandLouis-Series, probably the last one.
> 
> It it for my friend Davy (Diamond) because it has been a freaking year, can you believe it? I love you and I am so proud of us :)
> 
> And for Dancerlittle, because you always encourage my writing and it means so much.
> 
> And for everyone who wants to make this last month a beautiful one.
> 
> I should have posted this yesterday, but there was so much Chaos, I am sorry, I still want to do this, so it is a little late.

Harry smiles a little as he finds a letter beside his pillow as he wakes up on the first day of December. He had hoped for it a little, but he didn't really think Louis would do it again. Yet he did and Harry's heart races a little faster than usual as he unfolds the paper.

  
  


  
  


_Dear Harry Tomlinson-Styles,_

  
  


_I remember how, a year ago, I used to write down your name like this hoping it would become real on day. And now it is. I promised you this would be our year and it was, it is._

_And my love for you still grows, everyday and I don't think this will ever change. You're the love of my life and we are fireproof, right Baby, you and me, it is the love story of this decade. People thousands of years from now will read about us and teenagers will dream of a love like Harry and Louis had. They'll hope to find someone who looks at them the way I look at you._

_Here and now, I promise you that we will write history darling, you and me and our kids._

_Don't you think about starting a family sometimes? Stupid question, of course you do, you're Harry Edward Tomlinson-Styles. You know, when I was younger, I always thought I didn't want kids. I mean I love my sisters but I also knew how much work it is and how sometimes my mum would cry herself to sleep because it was to much too handle._

_I didn't believe in love and I was okay with it. I had my family and friends and a girl I liked now and then and I thought this would be enough._

  
  


_And then I met you and everything changed. Suddenly I started dreaming of a big house with a beautiful garden and a few cats and at least three kids. And when I see you with Lux my heart melts every fucking time, really Haz, I don't even know what you've done to me. But I want to build a home and have a family with you. Better sooner than later._

_I want a little girl with your curls and my blue eyes and your big heart and my sass and I want a little boy with your emerald eyes and your perfect legs and he would were stripped shirts and suspenders all the time an fuck they'd be so cute._

_And Zayn and Li would be godfather of our girl and Niall of our boy and we would have them over at least once a week for dinner. We'll have two kittens, a white one named Jon Snow and a black one called Lucy and it would be perfect. Don't you think Harry?_

_What do you want? I'd do anything for you, and you know it right? I want to make every single of your wishes come true? You want two kids? You gonna get them. Three? Alright. Four? Five? No problem! Ten? Yeah sure. Anything for the boy who stole my heart._

  
  


_Okay, I am sorry Haz. Your first letter wasn't supposed to end up like this. But I still mean it._

_So are you ready for another cheesy month? O course you are. You are my husband. My beautiful, beautiful husband._

  
  


_I love you Harry Tomlinson-Styles. So much. Be prepared for a lot of romantic._

  
  


_Always yours, Louis Tomlinson-Styles._

  
  


Harry presses the letter to his chest. How does he deserves this? Louis is perfect, this is perfect. And a family with him would be even more than perfect. He thinks about it a lot. They're still young, but he always wanted kids and a house and a few cats. He didn't thought Louis would already think about this though. He is a little overwhelmed to be honest.


	2. 12/2/2014

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "So I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need this Christmas to be magical.

Harry finds today's letter in the mailbox. It keeps him thinking how long Louis has planned this. Every time he is surprised how romantic his boyfriend can get. But then again, after all that happened in the last year, Harry can't really be surprised any more.

 

He smiles to himself as he opens the door to their flat in London. He has fallen in love with this city somehow. Sure he loves being in L.A. and Holmes Chapel will always be his home and Doncaster too, somehow because the Tomlinsons have become his family too. But London has something magical. Especially in winter. He loves all the lights and the christmas decorations. He hopes for snow too. Christmas isn't the same without snow.

 

He lays down on Louis' side of the bed and presses the unopened letter to his chest. Damn it just has been two days since Louis' gone to visit his family and he already misses him so much.   
This Christmas has to be perfect...last year has been so stressful, even though it was very beautiful. But this year has to be special. It's their first year as husbands.

 

Still smiling, he opens the letter.

 

 

_Harry, darling,_

 

_I miss you so freaking much. I mean right now you are downstairs cooking dinner (thanks for that babe) but when you read this, I will be in Doncaster and I know that I will miss you a whole lot. I always tend to miss you so much when you are not around but I guess that's just what it is when you have a husband. You don't want to leave his side ever, even if it is just for two days._

 

_This is our first christmas as husbands (_ Harry smiles)  _and I really can't wait for it. It's going to be amazing. But I don't have to tell you that. You already know._

 

_I read a quote yesterday. It was in that book you gave me remember? “The perks of being a wallflower” I love it by the ways. Dammit Harold you even make me read. What have you done to me?_

 

_Nah, I am just kidding. Back to the quote._

 

_It said “So I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them.”_

 

_I think it lays much truth in this saying. But for my part, I know a really important reason why I am the person I am._

 

_Why finally I can be the person I always wanted to be._

 

_It is because of you Harry Tomlinson-Styles.  
_

 

_I love you. You made me see so many things I couldn't see before I met you._

_You Harry have the ability to see the magic in things who seem to be always the same. You made me realize the beauty in a cold winter morning in London. You made me hear a melody in the beating of your heart. You made me love this world._

 

_Thank you for all of this Harry. I am thankful every day that I met you. I don't even want to imagine how my life would be without you._

 

_What do you want for Christmas Haz? I want to give you anything you want. I just want to see that beautiful smile of yours when you are excited about something. It drives me crazy._

 

_Now call my babe. I want to hear your voice. And tomorrow I'll be back in your arms. Can't wait._

 

_I love you._

_Forever yours, Louis Tomlinson-Styles_

 

 

Harry grabs his phone and dials Louis number.

 

“Hi love.”

 

“Read my letter, Haz?”

 

“Thanks Lou. I Love you too.”

 

He can hear Louis smile at the other end of the line.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. lots of love, I hope you are all doing fine :)


	3. 12/3/2014

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My dreams have gotten so big since I met you. Since I loved you.

Harry has already fallen asleep on the sofa when Louis sneaks in to their apartment late this evening. The older boy smiles and lays down next to his boyfriend.   
  
“Babe wake up I want to kiss you.” Harry opens his eyes slowly and a smile spreads on his face as soon as he sees Louis. “You are back.” He smiles cuddling closer to his boy. “How was your Granny's birthday?”

 

“It was perfect. She smiled the whole day. How have you been?”

  
“Good.” Harry answers and lifts his head to press a kiss on Louis lips. “Lonely tough.”

 

“Me too. I'll take you with me next time.”

 

“I'd love that.”

 

“How was your day with Gemma?”

 

“Nice. We went out to a fancy restaurant, but nothing special.”

 

Harry rests his forehead on Louis' and looks into his beautiful blue eyes.

 

“This will be our first Christmas as a married couple.”

 

“I know babe.”

 

Louis closes the distance between them and kisses Harry.

 

“I'm gonna make some tea. Want your letter?”

 

The younger boy nods with a smile.

 

“It's good to have you home Lou.”

 

“Good to be home.”

 

 

_Dear love of my life (I am so cheesy it hurts. Ugh. All for you Harry.)_

 

_Here am I, laying in bed in my childhood town thinking about what ifs, about a future, about you._

 

_And then I realize that, if someone had told me 5 years ago in some stormy winter night right before my 18th birthday that with 22 I'd be not only in love or in a relationship but in married to a boy, the most beautiful boy ever to be seen and that we will go on our 4th tour soon, I'd have laughed._

 

_Because not only that I'd never believed in myself to think I could actually be a singer on day, not to talk about the songwriting part, I'd never thought I would be so happy to actually meet you, the love of my life._

 

_I have seen my mum trying so hard but it never worked out in the end. Neither with my father nor with Mark._

 

_But look at us now, she is so happy with Dan and I am even more happy with you and things couldn't be any better._

 

_Wouldn't have believed that 5 years ago._

 

_I talked to my mum really long this evening and it was good, I needed this. I really don't see her enough._

 

_Oh and I also played with Ernie and the princess for hours this afternoon, they are such great kids. I can't get enough of them._

 

_I want this too. A family on my own. With you._

 

_You'd be such a good dad Haz. I can picture you laying on the sofa in our big house (we'll have to get a house. I mean I know you have a house in L.A. and we have the flat in London but I want to have OUR house) with our little baby daughter resting on your belly and you are both asleep and I just sit their and admire you until our oldest boy comes in and demands that I go outside and play football with him. Something like that._

 

_Okay, seriously, why am I always end up writing about family?_

 

_My dreams have gotten so big since I met you. Since I loved you._

 

_And the best thing is, I know they'll come true._

 

_But right now, I only wish for a kiss. So stop reading darling. Come, kiss me._

 

And Harry does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise these are gonna get longer and the other boys will join soon. I just need a little time to get started :)


	4. 12/4/2014

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What if I fall?  
> Oh, but my darling,   
> what if you fly?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading, Hope you're enjoying this as much as I do.

The mornings Harry wakes up with Louis tugged into his side are still his favourite. Sure they are pretty common now, but Harry can't get enough of the hair of his boyfriend brushing his cheeks and the soft morning kisses he gets as soon as Louis eyes flatters open.

  
“Too early babe. Want to sleep a little.”

 

“Sure thing Lou, but I'm gonna make some pancakes yeah? So you can lay here a little but don't go back to sleep okay love?”

 

“Okay Hazza, pancakes sound great” Louis mumbles in a sleepy voice and Harry pecks his lips one last time before he puts on some sweatpants.

 

“Wait love, take my letter. It's on the nightstand.”

 

Harry smiles and leans down to leave a kiss on his husbands forehead. “I love you so so much Lou.”

 

“Go make my pancakes sucker.”

 

 

_You're asleep Haz. You look so peaceful in your sleep. I could watch you for hours._

 

_And I am so proud of you. Have I told you lately? We achieved so much in this last year._

 

_There is this saying:_

 

_What if I fall?_

_Oh, but my darling,_

_what if you fly?_

 

 

 

_And we are flying so high right now babe. Sure it's hard sometimes. But love is never not complicated right? And the fans have been so supportive. I mean most of them.  
And I want to keep flying._

 

_You're my angel Harry. Always have been._

 

_Let me tell you a story. There are not much I haven't told you yet. But there is this one._

 

_I was like 16 maybe. And you know that I never felt good enough. Everyone kept telling me this. I was too loud and too childish and too unfocused and whatever. I wanted to fly away. Like so bad. There were night when I would open my window and sit on the ledge and feel the wind on my bare feet and I would feel like that if I'd jump maybe if I just jump, I could fly._

 

_I never really wanted to jump. I was happy with my life. I was just exhausted of not being enough. I just wanted to feel free for once. But as I met you, as we were put together in a band and you lift me up it felt like flying. It was the best feeling ever._

 

_Soo...this is sappy again, I am sorry. 2 am thoughts I reckon. Maybe I should go to sleep. Pretty sure I am gonna be exhausted in the morning. But staring at you was worth it (I sound like a creep sorry)_

 

 

_I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you._

 

_Okay enough. Too late for this._

 

_Good night love, I am coming to cuddle now. Falling asleep beside you is always the best._

 

_Yours truly, Louis Tomlinson-Stlyes_

 

 

 

 

The pancakes are ready and the table is set as Louis comes downstairs just in his boxers and hugs Harry from behind.

 

“Liked my letter? I couldn't sleep tonight.”

 

“I always love them. And I love flying with you.”

 

Louis raises himself on his tiptoes to kiss Harry. He brings his left hand up to bury it in his husbands hair. Harry deepens the kiss and lifts Louis up, holding him tightly before putting him down on the kitchen sideboard.

 

“Lou?”

 

“What's up babe?”

 

“Do you really mean this? That you want kids. A family. With me? Soon?”

 

Louis smiles. “I do. Why?”

 

“Because I really want a baby.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tomorrow is friday:)


	5. 12/5/2014

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the oldest story in the world. One day you're seventeen and planning for someday. And then quietly, without you ever really noticing, someday is today. And then someday is yesterday. And this is your life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm getting more and more excited for this!

“Liam, are you home?” Harry opens the door to his friends apartment, because of course he has a key and walks in. “Leeyum?”

 

“Hazza?” Liam is lying on the sofa, head buried in the pillows. The younger boy sits down beside his friend. “What's going on Li, why did you call me?”  
  
Liam moans and buries his head deeper in the pillows.

 

“What's wrong love?”

 

“Nothing.” Harry smirks. “Right Li. Nothing.”

 

He pushes him away so there is place for him to lay down beside him. “Li, it's bloody early okay? We have a performance tonight. You called me. So tell me what's so important.”

 

Liam turns around to face Harry. “Do you think Zayn in going to break up with me? Because he is acting really strange and I overheard him talking to someone on the phone. I think it was his mum. And he said something like, he is afraid and he don't know when to do it. And I think if he's not breaking up he's gonna propose.”

 

Harry gasps. “Do you really think so? I mean...that's great isn't it?”

 

Liam smiles. “Yeah, it is, yeah...”

 

“But?”

 

“I...I just don't know if we are there yet. I mean this still seems so new somehow. I am not sure if I am ready. Plus I wanted to ask him someday. Have all this planned out in the head. But just not now...I think.”

 

Harry sighs and takes Liam in his arms. “You don't even know if you're reading this right. And I promise if he asks you, you'll know. You'll know if you're ready. And if you're not he'll understand.”

 

He kisses his friend's cheek. “Don't over think that Li.”

 

 

-

 

“Zaynie.”

 

“Lemme sleep Lou.”

 

“Zaaayn.” Louis whines. “It's important.”

 

The younger boy opens his eyes to look into the excited face of his friend.

  
“I have something to tell you.”

 

Zayn sits up and blinks. “Yeah, cool. Me too actually.”

 

Louis smiles brightly. “Okay, you first then.”

 

“No you go first.”

 

“No you.”

 

“Me and Harry are going to be parents.” “I'm gonna propose to Liam.”

The boys say almost at the same time.

“What?” “WHAT?”

 

They look at each other and start to laugh.  
  
“Well that are some news.” Louis smiles brightly. “Congrats man. That's great.”

 

Zayn is still in shock. “That's nothing to what you just told me. When?”

 

“Nothing is settled yet. I just called this lady yesterday and she wanted to see me this morning. I talked to her a little, I mean I didn't even know if it is allowed for same sex couples to adopt and we are still young and stuff. But apparently in England you can adopt a child if you are a same sex couple, but you have to be 21. But that's not even 2 month away, then it's Harry's birthday. So we can adopt a child.”

 

Louis smile is overwhelming and he seems so passionate and happy about it, that Zayn can't help but smile.

 

“That's great Lou. I am really happy for you.”

 

“And the Lady was so nice and I think she liked me. Maybe we should wait till we finished the tour. But it is possible. It is really possible. I thought this would be so much more difficult.”

 

He pulls Zayn into a hug and messes with his hair.

 

“And you're going to get married. Sick man.”

 

Zayn smiles and pushes Louis' hand away. “Stop it silly.”

 

-

 

“I missed performing!” Niall yells when they get of stage. Harry laughs and throws his arm around the blonde one's shoulder. “It hasn't even been two weeks Nialler.” The older boy smirks. “Still. Missed the stage.” The other boys catch up with the two boys in the front and all of them smile brightly. It is good. This is good. This is what it should feels like Harry thinks. He can still here the fans screaming and he is so glad that they stayed with them over the coming out.

 

There had been interviewers telling them they're bad role models for younger kids, that they should be ashamed. But they will always be people who don't understand what love is about.

 

“What are you thinking Hazza?” Liam asks beside him. The younger boy smiles. “Just that things are finally settling down you know. Things are good.”

 

“I hope so.”

 

“Stop thinking so much Li.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

-

 

Harry lays down on the bed in their hotel room and opens the letter as Louis takes a shower.

 

_Dear Mr. Harry Tomlinson-Styles, my beautiful husband._

 

_I have a quote from my favourite TV show for you. (Yes, it's One Tree Hill.)_

 

“ _It's the oldest story in the world. One day you're seventeen and planning for someday. And then quietly, without you ever really noticing, someday is today. And then someday is yesterday. And this is your life.”_

 

_With seventeen my someday looked completely different then it looks now. I am not sure if I really planned for a future. I was okay with living the moment._

 

_And I still think that we should seize everyday and enjoy every single minute of this life because who knows what tomorrow brings. And life doesn't stop for anybody. We can't expect it to be good eventually. We have to make it good now._

 

_But with you, I like thinking about a someday._

 

_And this is our someday Harry. This is our life, how it is supposed to be. You and me, married. Living together. Being able to held hands in the streets. Kissing whenever we want. With a few kids running around the house soon._

 

_Believe me Harry, this is what I want. I want you and a family. I want to be a dad._

 

_I want so much. I know it is not going to be easy to make this dreams come true, because we are so busy with our band and also because we are gay. (Yep, it's more difficult to get a child then.)_

 

_But – I have good news baby._

 

_I met with a woman from the adoption agency. We are allowed to adopt a child as soon as you turn 21. It's possible. It's happening. It's gonna happen soon Haz. We are going to have a baby. How great is that?_

 

_Tell my how excited you are about this because I am so fucking excited I could literally scream. (I did actually as I left the office of this nice lady.)_

 

_I considered waiting to tell you till Christmas but I can't keep this from you. This is way to big. We are going to be parents._

 

“Louis.” Harry swallows.

 

“LOUIS WILLIAM TOMLINSON!”

 

“It's Louis William Tomlinson-Styles baby.”

 

The older boy smirks as he walks into the room, just a towel around his hips.

 

“Is this...is this true. Because this is not funny.”

 

Harry is not sure what to think. This can't be actually happening.  
  
“I wouldn't be kidding about something like this. It may take a while, but our chances are really good. We will get a child next year.”  
Louis didn't expect Harry to cry really. More like smile and kiss him and maybe give him a thank you blow job or something.  
  
“Honey, what's wrong.” He takes the younger boy in his arms carefully.

 

“Nothing Lou, nothing.” Harry kisses him, lips wet from the tears.

 

“Oh my god.” He kisses him again. Harder this time.

  
“Thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lovely weekend <3


	6. 12/6/2014

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your gorgeous chaos was a danger to my beautiful ordinary life and I knew that. Then suddenly we became beautifully extraordinary together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry, this is a little late, I cut my finger really badly, had to go to the hospital.  
> But I am good:) I didn't write as much as I wanted to though.

The smile isn't disappearing from his face all day and it is still there when he wakes up the next morning. It isn't just the fact that they can legally adopt in the UK. He knew that already, because he is thinking about this for a long time now. But it is that Louis contacted, even met someone to check out their opportunities. Louis wants this too. As much as Harry wants it. And that's what Harry can't stop smiling about.

 

He is alone, Louis seems to be out, so Harry just takes a shower and hums Christmas songs the whole time. He is just getting dressed, as there is s knock on his door.

It's Liam and he brought bagels coffee.

 

“Leeeyuum, you're my hero, I'm starving.” Liam smirks. “Someone is in a good mood this morning.”

 

Harry takes the coffee out of his friends hand and sits down on the bed. “I am Liam.” He takes a big sip out of the cup. “I love Swedish coffee.”

 

“But that's not what you're smiling about, is it?”

 

“No actually...Louis wants to adopt a baby next year. He already talked so some lady and figured out it is allowed for same sex couples as long as your 21 years old.”

 

A big smiles spreads on Liam's face as he takes Harry into his arms.

 

“Wow Hazza, that's a huge step. Congratulations man, I know how much you want this. That's great news. We're getting a baby.”

 

Harry chuckles. “Stop it, Li. Any news on Zayn?”

 

Liam shakes his head. “No, I can't just go and be like Zayn, is there a chance that you're gonna propose to me soon. Would be a little awkward. Plus I am still not sure if I am ready for this.”

 

“Do you love him?”

 

“Of course.”

 

“So what is there to think about?”

 

Liam looks down at his hands. “I just...I don't want to rush anything. I don't want him to propose just because he thinks he has to. I love how things are, but I am still afraid. Of how much love him you know? I just don't want to do something when we're not ready. I mean we have so much time. We don't have to do it now.” He looks up. “How did you know Haz? That it was the right time.”

 

The younger boy thinks about this question for a moment. “I just knew. I can't tell you. It was a feeling. I always wanted to marry him. So when he proposed, I knew it was right. And when he stood there in the registrar's office and told me he loved me and he wanted to marry me right now, I realized that it didn't matter where or when or how we married. I just wanted to be his husband so bad. The rest didn't matter.” He looks at Liam. “Li...if you have so many doubts maybe...maybe you don't really want to marry him.”

 

Liam frowns. “No...no. I just want to get this right. I don't want to make any mistakes. Zayn deserves to have the best life he can get.”

 

“Yeah and that's a life with you Liam.”

 

“I don't know...he could have someone better, he could...maybe he is really breaking up with me, it would be for the best, if I think about it, he can...”

 

“Liam.” Harry cuts him of and brings his hand up to Liam's cheeks, stroking them softly. “Liam stop. This is not helping you. There's no need to be insecure. Zayn loves you. This is what he wants.

You is what he wants. He made that clear years ago. And you want him too. There is nothing to be afraid about. What changed Li? You've been so confident about your relationship this year.”

 

Liam shruges and he looks really sad. Harry just wishes he could help him.

 

“I know. But the doubts are keep coming back lately and I have no idea what this is about. I mean basically I already asked him to marry me on yours and Louis wedding day. I don't really know what's going on in my mind lately. I mean I really want to marry him. It's Zayn. I love him. You know how much I love him Harry.”

 

The younger boy nods and pulls his friend into a hug.

 

“He's gonna propose and you gonna say yes. Or if you want to, you can ask the question. Either way you will have a beautiful wedding, it will be big and magical and...”

 

Harry pauses. “Hazza?”

 

“I'm just getting an idea. You know, Louis did everything, he proposed, he organized the marriage. I want to do something too, and we always wanted a wedding on the beach. Maybe, we could renew our vow.”

 

Liam smiles at his friend. “That's sounds wonderful Haz.”

 

 

 

-

 

“Amsterdam is wonderful, isn't it?”

 

Harry is looking out of the window and he just has to agree with Niall. The lights of this city always makes his heart feel a little lighter and he doesn't even know why.

 

“I love Amsterdam too.” Harry answers. Then he turns around to Niall. The share a car while the other three boys share the other. Apparently Louis had to talk to Zayn about something and Liam didn't really leave Zayn's side the whole day. But that's okay, Harry spends not enough time with the blonde boy lately.

 

“How are you Ni?”

 

“What do you mean Harry? I'm good.”

 

Harry shrugs. “I don't know, you just seemed to be a little off lately.”

 

The older boy smiles but it's not as bright as usually. “I guess, I just feel a little lonely sometimes. You have Lou and Liam has Zayn and I guess I just feel left out now and then.”

 

He shakes his head as he sees the concerned look on Harry's face.

 

“No, I don't mean it like that, I love your love. But I...I guess I just want someone to fall asleep with too. Someone to cuddle.”

 

Harry nods, because he understands. It is not easy for Niall.  
  
“I'll cuddle you.”

 

 

 

-

 

 

Harry finds the letter in their hotel room. Louis isn't there yet, he must have placed him there before the show.

 

 

 

_My dear Harry,_

 

_I am still so incredibly excited about all of this. We have to tell our mums on Christmas. Oh yes, can you imagine their reaction. It will be gorgeous, oh I can't wait._

 

_We have to think about names too. I mean, we don't have to...probably it's way to early. But I really want to._

 

_I want a girl and a boy. For the boy I really like Logan. And for a girl I like Emily I think. But I am open for anything. The next day we have off we are going to stay in bed and read books with baby names okay?_

 

_Honestly, why am I so excited?_

 

_But this is about your letters Harry and I should be a little cheesy, shouldn't I._

 

_And recently I have really been into searching for cool quotes and I actually found another one I want to share with you._

 

“ _Your gorgeous chaos was a danger to my beautiful ordinary life and I knew that. Then suddenly we became beautifully extraordinary together.”_

 

_Maybe I was more chaos than you were in the early days. Maybe I was more danger. But we both crashed into each other full speed and maybe it was dangerous. And it definitely has been difficult. And there were nights where I couldn't see how this could possibly work out. I was afraid._

 

_But every time I have any doubts you show my that we are beautifully extraordinary together. Only together. I am the best person I can be with you on my side._

 

_And last night it came to me, that having a child means even more difficulties. It will be hard and we will struggle. And for a short moment I was afraid. Afraid if we were ready. But then I remembered. We are beautifully extraordinary together. We are strong, because as long as we have each other, nothing can happen._

 

_And that is, among all the others I can't even count, the most powerful reason why I love you so much baby._

 

_You are my everything. And you are beautifully extraordinary. Thank you Harry._

 

 

_Unconditionally in love, Louis._

 

 

Harry lies there on the bed staring at the ceiling with a smile on his face until Louis comes in a few minutes later, lies down beside his husband and kisses him with all his heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay tuned for more of Zayn and Louis tomorrow.  
> And thank you so much for reading. This means so much to me:)
> 
> Also have you seen Liam's hair tonight in Amsterdam? Too many feelings!


	7. 12/7/2014

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My bounty is as boundless as the sea, my love as deep;
> 
> the more I give to thee, the more I have,
> 
> for both are infinite.

Louis watches Harry as he gets dressed. He can never get enough of this boy.

 

“I'm meeting up with Liam and Nialler downstairs. We want to do some Christmas shopping. Are you gonna join us?”

 

“Christmas shopping in Italy. Are you insane?”

 

Harry chuckles. “Why? I just want to get out a little. Get the Christmas spirit, you know. So are you joining us?”

 

The older boy shakes his head. “Guess not, I am just gonna sneak into Zayn's room and see if I get a cuddle.” He gets himself out of bed and puts on one of Harry's sweaters.

  
“Hey!” Harry pouts. “That's mine.”

 

“I know.” Louis smirks. “That's exactly the reason why I am wearing it.” He pecks Harry's lips and then he stays there just looking into his husbands emerald eyes. “I love you.”

 

“I love you too, Louis.” The taller boy leans down to kiss Louis one more time.

 

“Have fun out there. Bring me something.”

“I will.” Harry smiles.

 

 

 

“Zayn, are you awake?” Louis softly knocks on the door before he gets in without an answer. Zayn still lays in bed, so the older boys lays down beside him.

 

“What are you doing here?” Zayn sounds a little sleepy and annoyed but he takes Louis in his arms anyway.   
  
“The boys are out doing Christmas shopping. My bed was cold and lonely.” Zayn laughs and buries his head in Louis neck. “Then you are welcome.” The two boys lay there for a while, enjoying the silence and the peace of the moment.

 

After a while Zayn opens his eyes. “How did you knew it Lou? That it's the right time to ask Haz to marry you?”

 

“I...well, that was never really a question of timing. I kinda always knew I would do it. You could say it was inevitable. I just didn't want to do anything before I didn't knew we would be able to do it soon. But last year I jut felt like there was a change coming and I wanted it so bad so I just did it.”

 

He looks at his friend. “Why?”

 

Zayn shrugs and cuddles closer to Louis. “Just don't know if I should really propose to him you know? Well basically he already ask me on your wedding day. But it was just like someday you know. And I don't know if someday is already here or not. It could be to early and I could ruin everything.”

 

“I don't think you will ruin anything if you ask him to marry you. That's stupid.”

 

Zayn doesn't look like he thinks this is stupid at all. “What if he freaks out. You know him, it's Liam after all.”

 

Louis takes the younger boy in his arms and hugs him really tight. “But he loves you. I know he gets scared a lot but at the end of the day he loves you more than anything and he would never leave you.”

 

“Still I am not sure, maybe I should wait a little longer.”  
  


“Do whatever feels right to you Zayn.”

 

 

-

 

Harry can't stop talking about how he wants to have a wedding ceremony at the beach and that he could wear a hat and Louis would wear a white button down and if Niall didn't love this boy so much he would have already strangled him.

 

But it's Harry and it is so adorable how he speaks about marrying his husband and he can't be mad at him.

 

“We can really have a bachelor party this time.” Liam suggests. “And we have to pick a best man.”

Harry smiles brightly. “Lou and I talked about this. He wants you Leeyum, I'll have your boyfriend.”

 

“Wait, what about me?” Niall pouts. “You'll be the flower girl.” Harry pulls Niall into a hug. “No actually I want you to be my best man too. Who said there could just be one of them. I have more than one. Actually I have four best men in my life.” He presses a kiss on Niall's cheek.

 

“Damn Harry why are you always so cheesy.”

 

-

 

 

Liam kisses Zayn hard as soon as he gets him alone the first time this day. He missed him so much that he doesn't even care it is the backstage area of some studio in Rome. He just needs to hold his boyfriend in his arms for a little while.

  
“”What's wrong jaan?” Zayn asks, a little confused about this sudden show of affection and Liam just has to kiss him again, because of the nickname.

 

“Nothing babe, I just really love you.” Zayn chuckles as he buries his head in his boyfriends sweater, breathing in his smell. “I know that stupid!” He mumbles into the fabric.

 

“I know that you do. I just...I think I just really feel like a crap boyfriend compared to Tommo and all his December fondness.”

 

Zayn laughs and moves away from Liam just a little so he can see his face. “Louis' is getting the award for best husband in the world, there are no doubts. You still can have best boyfriend though.”

 

He leans in again to kiss Liam but the other boy turns away. “I don't really think I've been such a good boyfriend lately.”

 

“Shh, Li, what are you talking about?”

 

“Don't know I just feel like you deserve everything and more and I am...”

 

Zayn interrupts him with kiss.

 

“Stop. Liam. You are everything.”

 

-

 

Harry and Louis arrive at their flat in London late that night and Harry still hasn't got today's letter so he pouts a little as Louis tries to pull him in for a kiss.

 

“Damn Harry you know me, don't you. Of course I have your letter. Just lets get in bed first, please. I can't go one more step.”

 

So Harry picks him up and carries him to their bed room. He lays him down on their bed and unzips his pants.   
  
“Oh baby, I didn't see this coming.”

 

“Nope just gonna get you undressed so you can sleep and I can finally read my letter.”

 

 

As they both changed into something comfortable (just boxers really) Louis gives the letter to Harry, wraps his arms around his waist, places his head on the younger boys chest and closes his eyes.

 

 

_Darling,_

 

_I love you. And I love that you get excited so easily. You taught me to see the beauty in small, ordinary things and I am so thankful for that._

 

_You like Rome, don't you?_

 

_I love Italy too, we should come back here soon and visit Rome again and Venice, Verona and Florence and Pisa and all the other beautiful cities. Sometimes it sucks that we never really got to stay in a place. I would love to take you out to dinner in Rome or watch the sunset in L.A. or have breakfast in Paris and to go boating in Amsterdam . I would really like to stay somewhere and get to know the city with you and talk to the people and discover every little things with you. We would test where they have the best hot chocolate and which restaurant makes the best spaghetti. And we wouldn't leave till there was no more left to see._

 

_I would really love this. But maybe, in a year or two it will be possible. Look how far we came from where we were last year. I couldn't even hold your hand in public. So we really achieved a lot already. But there a more wonderful things waiting for us._

 

 

_And thank you for singing Christmas songs all day and for buying me a gingerbread heart. I start to feel the Christmas spirit. It's December Harry, it's finally this time of the year. We have to decorate the flat. Like tomorrow, what do you think?_

 

_You know what else is different compared to last year? I am not freaking out over my upcoming birthday. Really, I mean I'm turning 23 in a little over two weeks, but I am completely calm. What is wrong with me baby?_

 

_Well, maybe I just realized that there are some really good parts about growing up. Like getting married to the boy you love. Planning to start a family with him...And having you by my side, I know I don't have to grow up ever, at least not really. I still feel young, I am still that boy who likes football and pranks a little to much and you're still the boy whose eyes light up at Christmas morning and who loves to tell bad jokes (No offence). And that will never change._

 

_I think I have to close with a Shakespearian quote:_

 

“ _My bounty is as boundless as the sea, my love as deep;_

_the more I give to thee, the more I have,_

_for both are infinite.”_

 

_Yes, I think this is what comes the closest to feeling infinite..._

 

_My love for you is infinite._

 

_Yours, from now until whatever forever may be, Louis_

 

 

“Yes.” Harry whispers and pulls his sleeping husband a little closer. “My love for you is infinite Louis William Tomlinson-Styles.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading :)
> 
> It feels really strange to write husbands, I'm always like boyfr...wait, stop. Husband. HUSBAND.
> 
> Hopefully we can soon refer to Louis and Harry as husbands in real life. They deserve everything and more.
> 
> Also today is the 7th so it's time for a "Winter-girlfriend." Just kidding, but I really read some articles about Harry breaking several women's heart and it makes me so angry. People don't understand that Harry.IS.LOVE.  
> And also he love Louis, thank you. 
> 
> Oh and I am a little emotional because of Liam's hair yesterday, because it was so curly, have you seen it??? Beautiful boy is beautiful. I love him so much.
> 
> Okay sorry, emotional day :) Hope you had a great weekend and a good start in the new week for everybody:)


	8. 12/8/2014

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now I've got you in my space
> 
> I won't let go of you,
> 
> got you shackled in my embrace,
> 
> I'm latching on to you.

Zayn wakes up next to Liam, who is still sleeping and he smiles at himself because he doesn't get to watch his boyfriend sleep quite often. Normally he is the first to be asleep and he almost always wakes up after him.

 

The older boy lift his head up to get a better look on Liam. His closed eyelids flatter as if he is dreaming. Zayn hopes it is a good dream. He strokes the other boy's cheeks softly with one finger and places a kiss on his forehead before he cuddles back against his warm body.

 

That wakes Liam up. He opens his eyes slowly, getting blinded by the rising sun.

  
“Sorry jaan, didn't want to wake you.”

 

“It's okay you didn't.” Liam answers, voice sleepy. “I am just not sleeping well lately.”

 

Zayn frowns. This is new. “Why? How long?”

 

The younger boy frowns. “Since...since the tour ended maybe.”

 

“What? Why didn't you tell me?” Liam takes Zayn's hand in his and intertwines their fingers, but he avoids to look him into the eyes.

  
“I thought it was temporary. Just kept having weird dreams, woke up a lot. But after a while I had trouble falling asleep and it never got much better.”

 

“Leeyuum, you have to tell me stuff like this. I can help.” He pulls his boyfriend into a hug. “Leeyuum please, let me help.” And that's what it takes for Liam to start crying. He really tried not to, he is trying so hard lately, but now he is here, in Zayn's arms and he feels save so he just lets go.

 

“It's okay jaan.” Zayn whispers into his hair. “We're gonna be fine.”

 

They stay like this for a while until Liam breaks apart and kisses Zayn passionately.

 

“I am sorry I am not the boyfriend you deserve. I am sorry, I always get scared and don't always see what is important and what is not.”

 

“Baby, what is this about?”  
  
“I love you Zayn.”

 

“I know that Liam. You scare me. What is wrong?”

 

Liam wipes away his tears and tries to smile. “Nothing Zayn, I just...I need a shower to wake up.”

 

He stands up and walks away but halfway he turns around and pulls a folded paper out of the pocket of his sweatpants.   
  
“Here. I wrote something last night. Thought if Tommo can do this, I can too.”

 

 

_Dear Zayn._

 

_What I want:_

 

 

_I want to fall asleep under the stars and be woken up by the rising sun. I want to go to Prague to stand in front of the John Lennon Wall and sing until we loose our voices. I want to stand on top of the Eiffel Tower and scream._ _I want to walk around barefoot in the grass every night of every summer for the rest of my life. I want to spend a winter in New York. I want to go on roadtrips with no destination. I want to spend a whole week in bed. I want to grab your hand and start dancing with you on the street randomly without any music. I want to be tall enough to kiss the stars, but small enough to crawl in the bed and stay there for days. I want to write poems and copy them and hang them in the city for everyone to read. I want to turn up the music so loud I forget anything around me. I want to make someone smile. I want to accept my imperfections._ _I want to hear my favourite song in the radio and sing along in the car. I want to go on walks where we are really going nowhere and just talk for hours. I want to tell the people I love how much they mean to me. I want to break down crying now and then I would really like to have some arms that catch me, your arms. I want to grow up without growing up. I want to go and seek the great perhaps. I want to be proven wrong. I want to be sad. I want to listen to the rain. I want to go for a run and breath in the smell of the trees. I want to have children. I want to get matching tattoos with you. I want you to read out tons of books to me, but I want to stay out late sometimes. I want to make mistakes. I want you to write a book that no one but me is ever going to read but I want to love it with everything I have. I want to write letters that I'm never going to send and I want to keep them under my bed until I forget about them. I want to start over a few times before I get it right. I want to eat ice cream in Winter and ginger bread in summer. I want to have a kitten. I want you to paint all the walls in the house I am going to buy you. I want to kiss you under the light of a thousands stars. I want to produce a album with all the songs I've ever written for you. I want to go to the airport and take the next flight to somewhere and not buy a ticket back. I want to stay out late and dance until my feet hurt. I want to wake up next to you. I want to fall asleep into your arms. I want to hug you. I want to kiss you. I want to marry you._

 

Now Zayn is the one who cries.

 

 

-

 

 

Louis and Harry spent the whole day decorating their flat the whole day and it looks absolutely wonderful. They sit down on the sofa and admire the lights and make out for a little bit until Louis stands up.  
  
“I have to go get something. I'll be back right. Will take me not much longer than you to read your letter.” 

 

He hands Harry the paper and kisses him.

 

 

_ My beautiful husband,  _

 

_ I love you so much. Last year I wrote these letters to prove you that we can make it, that I love you. That whatever we have to go through, we'll go through it together.  _

 

_ I wrote these letters because I missed you and I didn't woke up to your beautiful face as much as I wanted to.  _

 

_ I wrote them because I was afraid, and I didn't want to be afraid any more.   
_

_ I wrote you because I wanted to make you smile, and I also wanted to make you believe in my love.  _

 

_I wrote you because I felt like I couldn't tell you all the things that were screaming in my mind, all the things I wanted to say._

 

_I wrote you because you deserved everything and more._

 

_I mean you still do._

 

_But this year is different._

 

_I am not afraid. There are very few things that are in my mind I can't tell you immediately._

 

_I still want to make you smile everyday but I am very sure now that you know how much I love you and how much I want to spend my life with you._

 

_I get to wake up beside you nearly every morning and it's all I can ever wish for._

 

_The reason I decided to write you again is different to all the reasons I had last year._

 

_And it's still the same. Because I love you. Because you deserve it. Because you have this stupid little smile on your face whenever I mention a letter. You know this smile that shows your dimples but not really. I love that smile._

 

_And simply because I can._

 

_I can write you letters everyday for the rest of my life if I want to._

 

_I can. And it feels so good._

 

 

_I love you Harry. I am so thankful that I don't have to be afraid any more, I am so thankful that I am finally able to be the person I want to be. Be the person I am. I love you Harry and I am so proud of you of us, I mean I can tell the world now. I told the world. And I want to do it again and again and again._

 

_I had so many difficulties accepting the person I am but you were always right there on my side ready to catch me. I am here today, because of you. I don't know if I ever really thanked you._

 

_Thank you Harry. For making me be the best person I possibly can._

 

_You really bring out the best in me._

 

_I still remember, four years ago, when I told my mum I fancy boys and you were with me all time, holding my hand. I was so afraid and I couldn't have done it without you._

 

_You make me strong! (This never gets old.)_

 

_And that's why I know that we're going to be great parents for our babies. We still have to discuss names Haz. I know it's too early but I am so exited._

 

 

_(So now I am back talking about kids. How do I always get here? Seriously?)_

 

_Oh and I also want a cat. I mean we can't right now because we are not home except for like two weeks a year, but I really want to have a kitten, as soon as we are settling down. Okay enough._

 

 

_I love how much you love Sam Smith (And his music obviously.) And the good husband I am, I listened to the album you bought and I have to say I really like some of his songs to._

 

_So I am gonna end this letter with how much I love you and with some of my favourite lyrics:_

 

 

 

_You lift my heart up when the rest of me is down;_

_you, you enchant me even if you're not around._

_If there are boundaries, I will knock them down,_

_I'm latching on, babe, now I know what I have found._

 

_I feel we're close enough,_

_could I lock in your love?_

_I feel we're close enough,_

_could I lock in your love?_

 

_Now I've got you in my space_

_I won't let go of you,_

_got you shackled in my embrace,_

_I'm latching on to you._

 

 

 

_That's how I felt back when I started to fall for you. And I fall hard and fast but it didn't hurt because you were already there to catch me._

 

_That's how I still feel every time I hold you in my arms._

 

_In love as deep as the sea and as high as the clouds above:_

_Yours, Louis_

 

 

Harry is still smiling as Louis comes back. The smile drops as he sees Louis' face.

The younger boy is on his feet immediately.

 

“What happened Lou?” His voice is concerned.

 

Louis swallows. “I told you about this woman I met, because of the adoption.”

 

“Yeah, what about her?”

 

“She just called me.”

 

Harry doesn't understand. “Why would she call you?”

 

“There is some emergency. A couple declined or something. She wants us to take the baby in foster care.”

 

Harry gasps, both hands covering his mouth. “What? When?” He whispers.

 

Louis eyes fill with tears but his lips are smiling. “Tomorrow. We're getting a baby tomorrow.”

 

Harry has never hugged Louis this tight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me for the Ziam part, I am already doing that. I want to cry with them, ahh and I want to do all the things Liam wants to and I am so moved by his tweets from yesterdays and I love him so much please don't judge me.
> 
> Also Daddy!Louis is becoming a thing, aha! I am excited this, thanks to Dancerlittle for prompting :) Stay tuned for tomorrow and have a beautiful week all you lovely people out there :)


	9. 12/9/2014

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The best he can come up with to describe this feeling is with what he thinks heaven would feel like.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not quite happy with this chapter, but anyway here you go. Enjoy.

“Be careful with her Louis!” Harry demands as they enter their flat, hands packed with baby stuff. And a baby. “She is so tiny.”

 

“She isn't even that tiny Harry.” Louis smirks but Harry protest immediately, because she is so, so tiny, so small he is afraid she'll disappear as soon as he takes his eyes of her.

 

Louis is holding her tightly, her little body pressed to his chest and Harry takes a minute to admire the picture.

 

“Welcome home baby girl.” Louis whispers. “Doesn't it feel like home to you?”

 

Harry smiles softly as he steps forward and wraps his arms carefully around both of them.

 

“Wow.” He whispers and he isn't sure what to feel. The best he can come up with to describe this feeling is with what he thinks heaven would feel like.

 

“Look how happy your papa is to have you here princess.” Louis teases a little and leans forward to peck his husband's lips.  
  
“She has a name Louis.”

 

“What kind of name is Clover even?”

 

“I think it's cute Louis. And you heard the lady it's named after a wild flower or something. And we can call her Cloe. That's sweet isn't it?”

 

Louis shrugs and looks at the tiny (yeah maybe she is tiny) girl in his arms. “Well, kinda I guess. I just really liked Emily. Can't we just rename her? She is only 8 month old, she wouldn't even notice.”

 

“Louis!” Harry complains but he laughs anyway and kisses first Louis' and then the baby's cheek. “Can I hold her too?”

 

Louis nods and Harry takes the little girl in too his arms carefully. She fell asleep back in the car so she is still a little tired, just letting Harry dandle her softly.

 

“Hi little Cloe, this is a lot, isn't it? But you will get to love it, I promise!”

 

He sits down on the couch with her and Louis joins them, while the baby just looks around the room, eyes wide open.

 

“Yeah, I know baby girl, you are probably thinking why are there so many blinking reindeer in this flat? I told your papa it's too much, but he wouldn't listen.”

 

“Stop it Lou.” Harry whines, because his husband can be so mean, but he kisses him anyway.

“And don't call me her papa. You know what the lady said. It's just foster care for now.”

 

Louis nods, looking at Clover. “Yeah, but she also said, that there is a good chance that we can adopt her later. Don't be negative about this okay?”

 

He closes the space between them, and lifts up Harry's chin to make his husband look him in the eyes. “This is it. I know that's sudden and a little scary and that we have to learn a lot. But this is what want. This is our life finally turning out the way we want it to be.”

 

He kisses Harry, still smiling, taking his face into his hands. “Harry, this is it. Our year. Our dream.”

 

Harry might have tears in his eyes, as he looks at the baby girl between them, but they are definitely happy tears. “I still can't believe this is real.” He whispers.

 

“I know, me neither.” Louis smiles while carefully stroking Cloe's head.

 

 

 

It isn't until much later that Harry finally gets to read his letter. Louis is taking a shower and he is in the living room with their child. Both, Harry and Cloe, are lying on a blanket on the floor, playing with some toys Harry and Louis bought for her this morning.

 

“Here Cloe, want me to read you the letter Louis wrote me?” He takes her smiles as a yes.

 

 

_To the best husband in the world and the only man I want to be the father of my children._

 

_How can you sleep right now? I mean, okay it's 4 am and you fell asleep like 5 minutes ago, but I don't think I can sleep AT ALL._

 

_I can't remember that I've ever been that nervous in my life before. In 12 hours we're gonna have a little girl in our flat and I am both terrified and unbelievably happy._

 

_I am still trying to recall what the lady said about her. But the only thing we know it that she's eight month old, and that her mum was very young so she gave her away. And the couple that was going to adopt her split up and the family who took care of her before has too many children so they needed someone who'd take her and she thought of me and baam. Here we are._

 

_But that's nothing Harry, we don't even know her birthday, let alone her name._

 

“Clover. I think it's beautiful, even if Louis complains.” Harry whispers to the baby.

 

_But it's gonna be okay isn't it? It doesn't matter that we have a lot to do this next two weeks until Christmas, we'll just take her with us. Lux was always around and she grew up great, didn't she?_

_Our princess will too._

 

_Harry, I can't even get my thoughts straight, I am sorry, this letter is …_

 

“Oh no Cloe I am not going to read that out loud. You have to know that Louis swears quite a lot. But I am sure that he will be careful around you.”

 

_I know you are going to be a great Dad honey. I know it and that's why I am just mildly freaking out right now. Whenever I see you with children my heart aches by how much I love you._

 

_I can't even imagine looking at you holding the baby, we're going to call ours. That will be the death of me._

 

“He doesn't really mean that.” Harry tells Clover.

 

_I love you Harry. And I never wanted something more in my life. You and me. A family._

 

_If you were awake I would make you feel my heartbeat because it never has been this fast._

 

_Not even before we played in madison square garden._

 

_Not even before I asked you to marry me._

 

_Not even when I waited for you in that ~~fucking~~ registrar's office. And believe me, my heart was beating out of my chest back then._

 

_ I remember a night, when I was maybe 11 or 12 years old and I found my mum crying in the kitchen at midnight. So I sat down with her, fully worried, and asked her what was wrong. She told me, that sometimes, just sometimes, things are getting too much and she feels like she can't handle.  _

 

_ And then, the little boy I was, asked her, if we were too much, if she regrets that she got children so young and if she would be better of without us. That made her cry even more and I felt very guilty but then she hugged me and said that we were the best thing that's happened to her in her entire life. And that she never loved someone more and that not for anything in the world she would give this feeling away. _

 

_ I want to feel that too Harry. I want to feel that too Harry. I want to look into the eyes of a child and know I would protect this kid with all I have. I really want that. _

 

_ And I am afraid, I give that away. Pretty sure there will be times, when it get's hard or even too much. But whatever will stand in our way, we'll make it. Together. _

 

_ I know we're young Harry, and that we have a whole life ahead of us. But I wouldn't trade you and what we have for the world. _

 

_ Believe me, I am aware of the fact that I am the luckiest man in the universe having found you. _

 

_ I love you so much Harry Tomlinson. _

_ And now I am going to wake you up because I can't sleep and I know what you could do to distract me, because... _

 

 

“Okay Clover.” Harry laughs, while he wipes his shirt sleeves under his eyes. “I am sorry, I am not going to read the rest. Not made for a little girls ears.”

 

 

As Louis returns from his shower Harry and the baby girl are lying on the couch and they are both asleep. The older boy stands there for a minute and admires them before he carefully lays down beside them.   
  
“Goodnight Harry. Goodnight princess.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading :)


	10. 12/10/2014

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have so many dreams for us.

“She is so tiny.” Niall states as he looks at the little girl in Harry's arms. “And you are sure you wanna do this?” Louis hits him at the back in his head. “Nialler. Please look at this beautiful girl.” The older boy turns his friends head. “And now ask me again.”

 

Niall laughs. “Calm down Tommo. I get it. She's fucking beautiful.”

 

“Hey don't swear in front of Cloe.”

 

They are all gathered around Harry holding the little girl in his arms.

 

“What's her real name again?”

 

“Clover.” Harry pronounces. “But we like to call her Cloe.”

 

“Or princess.” Louis mutters. “Or Emily.”

 

Harry laughs. “Louis doesn't really like her name.”

 

“I think it's beautiful.” Zayn states. “It's something different, something special. Just like her.”

 

-

 

Zayn lies awake this night thinking about his to best friends and their beautiful baby.

 

He knows that Liam is awake too. He can tell it by the pattern of is breath.

 

“Li?” The younger boy turns around to face his boyfriend.

 

“Zayn. Why are you awake darling?”

 

“Just thinking about the boys and Cloe.”

 

Liam nods consciously and pulls Zayn in his arms.

 

“She's beautiful, isn't she? And have you seen Harry's face, when he looks at her. It's adorable really. Or how protective Louis is? But that's not a surprise. It's so strange, they have her for like a day and they already love him so much. But that's how they are. Louis and Harry I mean.”

 

Zayn just hums in agreement and snuggles closer.

 

“Did you really mean it?”

 

Liam looks at the older boy. Zayn can't help but notice that his normally so bright, jubilantly sparkling eyes look kind of sad. He has seen this darker shade of brown more often in his boyfriends eyes lately. And he really starts to worry.

 

“What did I mean baby?”

 

“What you wrote the other day.” Zayn swallows. They haven't talked about this yet. “Especially the part about children.”

 

Liam smiles a little.   
  
“Yes. Definitely.” He looks at his boyfriend. “What about you?”

 

“Me too. I want kids too. More than anything.” Zayn leans in to kiss Liam. “Sometimes I like to imagine us with a little girl and she calls you daddy and me baba.” He smiles. “I really want this.”

 

Liam nods, but he bits his lips which is always a sign of tension.

 

“Jaan, what is it?”

 

“I just...I want this Zayn. I want a family. And most of all I want a family with you. But...I am not ready to have children just yet. I think it's just right that Harry and Lou have Clover, because they are on this point. But I am not.” He looks at his boyfriend and Zayn's heart breaks by the hurt look in Liam's eyes. “I am sorry Zayn, don't be mad at me.”

 

“What I...? Damn Liam, why would I be mad at you?” Zayn puts a finger on Liam's beautifl lips. “Don't say something like that. And don't think something like that. We don't have to be like Harry and Louis. We are us, and Leeyum, believe me, this is more than enough. I know that we're not ready to have a child quite yet. But that's okay, we don't have to be Leeyum. There is no rush for this okay? We can do other things first. Like standing in top of the Eiffel tower and scream. I like that one. Staying in bed a whole week, you know that is my dream Leeyum. I would really like to spend a winter in New York, I heard it's beautiful. I want to dance with you on the street and I really want to go on a roadtrip. I want to write a book just for you and if you want to I can head to the store right now, so we can have ice cream in winter. I want all of this, and I want it all with you.

But right now I just really want you to kiss me.”

 

And Liam does. Liam kisses Zayn like there is nothing he wants more and maybe, maybe everything will turn out just fine.

 

-

 

“Louis wake up.” Harry's voice is whiny and worried, so Louis opens his eyes. He didn't sleep anyway.

 

“What's the matter Haz?”

“Clover just want stop crying.” Louis sighs and stands up. His boyfriend holds the crying baby in his arms and he looks utterly worried. Just like a dad.

 

The older boy walks over and embraces them both. “Harry, calm down. I am pretty sure that's normal.”

 

“But I am trying to calm her down for half an hour now, and I gave her something to eat and I walked around in the living room and I sang to her and I don't know what to do. Louis, what if she is sick.” Harry looks devastated and Louis takes the small child out of his arms. He puts one arm under her, so that her back is pressed against his tummy.

 

“Look Harry, I remember when Daisy was little, she wouldn't stop crying. Phoebe was the quietest baby ever, but Daisy always cried. So my mum held her like this because she said, that Daisy wanted to see things, because she was such a curious baby.”

 

He walks Clover around the room. “See baby girl, you like that, don't you.” He smiles at Harry.

“And then my mum and I would sing for Daisy.”

 

He walks back towards Harry. “Think with me darling.”

 

“Hush little baby, don't say a word. Papa's gonna buy you a mocking bird. And if that mocking word won't sing, Papa's gonna buy you a diamond.”

 

It works and Harry don't know if he should cry or smile. He feels like both. Clover is in the arms of his husband and she looks completely content.

 

“You're brilliant Louis. You're are the best dad in the world.”

 

“Where's the news?” Louis smirks.

 

-

 

Half an hour later Cloe is finally asleep and the boys fall in their bed, exhausted.

 

“Louis, you are perfect.” Harry wraps his arms around his husband. “Thank you. Thank you for being so great with her. And with me.” Louis smiles as he kisses Harry softly. “It's normal to be worried Harry. That's something we have to get used to.” He kisses his boy again.

 

“Fuck.”

 

“Louis?”

 

“I forgot to gave you today's letter. I wrote it last night, but I just forgot. Wait a minute.”

 

The older boy leaves the room and comes back a minute later with a piece of paper. “I am really sorry Haz.”

 

Harry smiles as he takes the letter and unfolds it. “Not a problem at all.”

 

 

_Hi papa,_

 

_the first night with our baby girl and you both are peacefully sleeping. I wonder how long._

 

_This s going to be the hardest and the best thing, we've ever done in our lives, you know that Harry?_

 

_I already love her with all my heart and that's such a strange, appalling feeling but it's also so wonderful. I can't really describe it but I reckon you feel just the same._

 

_I remember the night before our wedding when I wasn't sure if I'd be able to fix the things I messed up. And I asked myself if I would ever be able to forgive myself if I didn't. And the answer is no._

_I don't want to live any other version of my life than this. With you. With this baby._

_I want this life with all its ups and downs, with all its flaws and with everything it brings._

_I have so many dreams for us._

 

_And it says: “If you're dreams don’t' scare you, they aren't big enough.”_

 

_That's true isn't it Harry?_

_I am scared looking at you, the love of my life and and this little princess, I am scared but it feels just right._

 

_This is how life should be. Big and scary and wonderful and challenging and gracious all at once._

 

And yes, Harry totally agrees with that.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you see the pic from the singing today, where Harry teases this little kid?  
> Or the picture with Louis and Harry and the little girl between them, which Niall posted (Harry and the girl stick out there tongue).  
> Do you feel me?
> 
> This is so gonna get canon, I can't even.
> 
> Ziam is hurting me. 
> 
> Christmas is in two weeks.
> 
> I love you all.
> 
> Bye.


	11. 12/11/2014

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And this is our sky.

“She is so tiny.” Liam looks at the baby in his arms.

 

“That's what I keep saying.” Harry agrees. “Right Clover? You are so tiny.” He kisses her nose and the baby smiles.

 

“She smiled. Hazza she is smiling at you.” Liam exclaims. “I swear I have never seen something cuter.” Harry chuckles “She is mine Li, don't forget that.”

 

“She is yours.” Liam whispers more to the baby than to Harry. “Oh yes, you are totally his.”

 

The doorbell rings. “That must be Nialler.” Harry states and stands up to open the door, leaving Liam and Cloe alone in the living room.

 

The baby is still smiling. “I would smile too if I were you. You're one lucky girl, you know that right? Your dads love you so much already.”

 

Harry comes back and he brings Niall and a box of Christmas biscuits with him.

 

“Time to get you into some Christmas spirit Payno.” Niall greets him and sits down beside him to take a look at the baby. “Time to make uncle Liam smile again, isn't it princess?”

 

“She has a name!” Harry demands. Niall makes a face at him.

 

“By the way. Where are your better halves?” He askes.

 

“They are out to do some grocery shopping. We still need stuff for Clover.”

 

Harry sits down too and takes a biscuit. “Since when are you the baking kind Niall?”

 

The blonde boy blushes. “I just...felt like it.” He hedges.

 

Harry raises his eyebrows and looks at Liam. “Niall... with who did you make christmas biscuits again?”

 

“Alone.”

 

Liam laughs. “Good try Nialler.” The younger boy pouts.  
  
“Oh come on, tell us please.” Harry begs and pulls his friend into a hug.

 

The baby squeaks in joy. “Look Cloe wants to know to.”

 

That makes Niall blush even more and he hides his face in his hands. “No I am not telling you. Now shut up.” He takes a few more biscuits. “What are you doing with Clover tonight.”  
  


“We are taking her with us of course. This is her first award show it's going to be huge. Lou said she'd help. And Anne and Jay will be there too. They can't wait to meet her.”

 

“And what are you telling the press?”

 

“The truth.” Harry shrugs. “That she is our foster child but we plan to adopt her.” He notices the concerned looks from his band mates.  
  
“Listen, after we came out when the tour started, we said there'd be no more lies. I am aware of the fact that some people will not like this. But the media will find out eventually, so we better tell the truth from the beginning.”

 

 

_

 

“She fell asleep.” Louis whispers as he takes her out of the car.

 

“Of course she is.” Harry smiles. “That was a long day. So many new people meet and everyone wanted to hold our little girl.”

 

Louis takes her upstairs carefully and lays her down in her bed, kissing her forehead, before he pulls Harry, who is right behind him, into a hug.  
  
“That was a great evening love.” Louis stands up on his tiptoes and kisses his husband passionatly. “Only thing is that I don't get to kiss you as often as I want to!” He lifts up Harry's shirt and digs his nails into his bare skin. “I don't get to feel you enough.”

 

“Louis.” Harry moans into his mouth. “God, I love you Harry.”

 

“Louis, the baby.”

 

“She is asleep.”

 

“But...” Louis hushes him with a kiss and presses him against the wall. “Shhh Harry. I want to feel you.”

 

He takes off the younger boys shirt before their lips meet again. But as his hands wander down Harry's stomach they get interrupted by a loud voice.  
  


Louis sighs and lets go of Harry.

 

“I think she's awake now.” The curly one smirks.

 

“Alright.” Louis kisses him once again. “My turn. You go and read you letter. Late night reading is getting a thing.”

 

_My beautiful husband._

 

_I miss you. Not really. But I do._

 

_I am here in this tattoo studio because apparently Zayn is getting Liam's matching tattoos for Christmas (when did he became so cheesy? Well, okay, you're right, he has always been with Payno) and now I have to wait for him and the painter to get the sketch done._

 

_So I thought I might as well take use of my time and write you a letter._

 

_Zayn worries about Liam, because he is kind of sad and distracted lately. I noticed something, but I thought he was just having a bad day. Do you know something? We should talk about this later._

 

 

_On a lighter note, is it normal that I am so happy and so nervous to introduce the princess to Anne and my mum today? I am just so damn proud of her._

 

_Can you imagine her first day of school? Or her graduation day? I know you don't want to think about things like that, because she is not ours yet. But Harry. She is ours. She just is._

 

_She is everything we were missing. I just feel it. It's similar to the feeling I had when I met you. I knew I needed you in my life, I knew I had always been searching for you without even knowing._

 

_Don't worry so much darling. She is ours. She is._

 

_You know what Zayn said, as I told him that matching tattoos were cheesy? (Not for us of course. But that was different. We were proving something, saying the things we couldn't, right?)_

 

_Anyways, he said, we'd be the kind of parents that get their child's first writing tattoo on their arm._

_And the things is, he is totally right. We would. We will._

 

_I would even get her name tattooed if she wrote it. Well maybe not. (Clover, what kind of name is that?) But you know what I mean. We totally would._

 

_So stop worrying. I know it's gonna be fine. I feel it. She belongs to us._

 

_We can do this. We have done so much Harry._

 

“ _Never, ever let anyone tell you what you can and what you can't do. Prove the cynics wrong. Pity them for they have no imagination._

_The sky is the limit._

_Your sky. Your limit.”_

 

_And this is our sky. Our heaven._

 

_Yours, happy and proud and flying, Louis Tomlinson-Styles_

 

And Harry stands up and makes his way to the living room were Louis is watching Clover play on the ground around and he kisses him hard.

 

“What was that for?” Louis smiles.

 

“Thank you for being my heaven!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyone loves Clover. 
> 
> Including me.
> 
> And I love Louis. And Harry.
> 
> And Leeyum. And Zayn so much. And Nialler.
> 
> And all of you beautiful people.
> 
> Not to forget about Zayn's hair. I'm in love with this lose strain, let me tell you.
> 
> Ahh, I just love Zayn.
> 
> And I love Christmas.
> 
> Ugh, so much love!


	12. 12/12/2014

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just how much I love you.

“Louis, can we have the boys over tonight? I need a chill day in and I would really like to have them here.”

 

Harry is feeding Clover who happily spreads the porridge everywhere with her spoon.  
  
“Oh come on Cloe.” Harry sighs. “Aw.” She responds. “Yeah I know baby. I wouldn't eat that either. You want some smashed bananas?”

 

“Aw.” Clover squeaks and continues to put porridge everywhere. “I'll take that as a yes.”  
  
Louis comes over to the table to join his babies.

 

“A movie night with the boys? Sounds perfect.”

 

“Have you heard that Cloe? Daddy said yes!”

 

Louis laughs. “You're ridiculous Harry!”

 

“And that's why you love me.”

 

Louis cannot discount this argument.

 

-

 

Liam loves watching Zayn sleep. It always calms him down and helps him to settle his thoughts.

His boyfriend looks so much younger when he's asleep. And he looks so beautiful and innocent, that Liam has the urge to shelter him from all the bad things this world offers.

 

He still gets a little overwhelmed sometimes by how much he loves this boy. And he still doesn't get why Zayn loves him.

 

He never really understood, how someone as beautiful and stunning as Zayn could like someone like him. He grew up thinking no one would ever like him for who he truly is. And then suddenly at the age of 16 he was given four boys who loved him even if he was scared and awkward around them. They greeted him with open arms and he had been so sure they would abandon him as soon as they got to know him better. But they didn't. They just loved him more.

 

Sure they all did it in their own way.

 

Harry 'cupcake' Style, who just loved everyone out there, did the same with Liam. He was just so full of love for all of them, and he was so happy when Liam shyly smiled back at him, that he couldn't resist his charm. Really who could? Harry taught him how hug and how to cuddle and it was awkward at first, when Harry just pulled him into his arms and Liam would freeze, but it got better each time.

 

And Niall the carefree boy he was would just laugh at his jokes and admire his voice and it was something completely new to Liam. What also was new was Niall crying on his shoulder when he got homesick, but Liam just tried to find soothing words and hugged him how learned it from Harry.

 

With Louis, of course, it was a little difficult. Liam could never really tell when he was joking and he took his comments way to personally. He'd tense up when he heard Louis loud, sassy voice and there was a time he really thought Louis hated him. But in one long night somewhere back in bootcamp he learned that being loud was just Louis' way of dealing with securities. That his shyness and his silence was the same as Louis' sass. That the two boys who seemed to be the opposite of each others were really just the same deep down. They grew inseparably after this night, constantly relying on each other, being the uncalled leader of the group.

 

 

And then there was Zayn. Zayn, who was shy and quiet too, but in a different way. Zayn who had leaned towards him since the first day, Zayn who listened to his stories whenever the other boys where too loud to notice, Zayn who had so many thoughts in his head and he wanted to share them all with him. Zayn who was so beautiful he couldn't breath looking at him. Never could. Still can't.

 

 

And he has still no idea why Zayn picked him to be his favourite back then, why Zayn crawled into his bed and craved his arms whenever he was said, why he answered his messages when he was away and not Louis and why out of all people he could've had, he fell in love with him, Liam Payne.

 

Maybe it is something, he'll never really understand. And that is why it took him so long to realize what Zayn was feeling when he was looking at him this way.

 

It was not because he didn't loved him. He always has. He just didn't allow himself to belief that Zayn would love him back. He couldn't because he was afraid that when he just had a glimmer of hope his heart would break into a million pieces. That was the reason it took him so long to figure it out.

 

Zayn opens it eyes slowly. “Morning jaan.”

 

“Morning beautiful.” Liam leans down to kiss him.”

  
“What were you thinking about?”

 

“Just how much I love you.”

 

-

 

The boys are gathered around the TV in Harry and Louis' living room, trying to decide what to watch.

 

“Grease.” Louis suggest, but more to another the other boys a little.

 

“What about the new Spiderman movie? I haven't seen it yet.” Zayn stats.

 

“I think we should watch some Christmas movie.” Harry says, trying to keep a very excited baby on his lap.

  
“I really want to watch Love...actually.”Niall agrees. “We still need a little more Christmas spirit. What do you think Liam?”

 

“I am fine with anything.” The boy smiles. “Just glad to spend the evening with you.”

 

“Okay.”Louis says. “I am gonna be a good husband and watch this movie for the 5th time.”

 

“Come on Lou, admit that you like it.” Zayn teases.

  
“Maybe a little. But that's not the point. We're gonna watch it and then we'll watch Peter Pan.”

 

“But that's not a Christmas movie.”

 

“It's winter in London. Doesn't that count?”

 

“I think Peter Pan is a cool movie.” Liam states.

 

“Wait are we talking about the Disney movie or the one with Jeremy Sumpter.” Zayn asks.

 

“The real one of course!” Louis answers, pretending to be offended. “Why?”  
  


Zayn blushes a little as he laughs. “Kinda had my first crush on Peter Pan. I mean my sisters were obbseed with him and I just went along.”

 

“That's cute.” Harry looks at Clover. “That's cute isn't it Cloe. You gonna like him too. But my first crush was more Thomas Sangstar from love actually.”

 

“Really?” Louis comes over to sit down beside his boyfriend. “He was cute. He played the drums.” Harry defends himself. “But I don't need to chase after you at the airport know, do I?”

 

Harry laughs. “What do you think Cloe. Should we make daddy do this?” The baby smiles.  
  
“Don't say anything wrong princess, I dare you!” Louis laughs.

 

-

 

The boys are still in the living room, drinking hot chocolate when it's for Harry bringing the baby to bed.  
  
“Here you go Cloe, I hope you have the sweetest dreams little angel.”

 

He lays her down in the bed as he sees the letter on her pillow case.

 

“Your daddy is the best, isn't he Clover?”

 

He sits down beside the baby's bed and unfolds the letter.

 

 

_Story time Harry Tomlinson-Styles._

 

_Someone around my 15th birthday I started making “A year from now” lists. It was something I did, when I was down and didn't really wanted to keep going. I would write down all the things I wanted and could have achieved a year forward._

 

_I wrote a list a year ago. I wanted to give it to you now._

 

_A year from now ..._

 

_...I am going to be able to hold Harry's hand in public and to kiss him whenever I want._

 

_...I can call him my fiancée (or even husband?)_

 

_...I am going to be myself around everyone._

 

_...I am gonna kiss Harry everyday._

 

_...and tell him I love him._

 

_...Zayn and Liam will have figured things out._

 

_...we'll have a new album with us as the main writers (and I am actually more excited about this than I thought I would be.)_

 

_...I will kiss Harry. On his lips. In front of everyone._

_...Harry will have the life he deserves._

 

_...he will not crawl into the bed and break down crying after a day of being out and pretending to be some one he isn't._

 

_...I will not have to go on fake dates with El any more._

 

_...the only hand I'll hold will be either Harry's or one of our children's._

 

 

 

 

_See Harry...that's what I wanted for this Christmas. These thoughts kept me going last year when things were hard._

 

 

_When I was younger, I wrote this lists and I'd hide them under my bed and not look at them for a year. And then 365 days later, I'd look at them and if half of the things I wanted came true I didn't write a new one, until I felt down again._

_Now look at the list and look at us._

 

_I don't think I will ever have to write a list again. Thanks to you._

 

_What you give me, what we have, is even more than I could've ever wished for._

 

_My heart is so full of love for you and Clover, that I can constantly feel it beating in my chest whenever I look at you._

 

_I love you, I love you a whole lot Harry._

 

_Nothing will ever change that._

 

 

_Always in my heart Harry Tomlinson-Styles._

 

_Sincerely Yours, Louis Tomlinson._

 

 

Harry just sits there, leaning against Cloe's bed, hearing her breath, taking in Louis' words and if he sheds a tear, it is because he is so happy and so, so in love.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who wants to watch "love actually" with me:)?
> 
> A few days ago I watched Peter pan for the first time and I am in love<3
> 
> Hope you are all good:) 12 more days to go.
> 
> I love you and I do believe in fairies:)<3


	13. 12/13/2014

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I do believe in fairies.

“Louis, I think it is too early to ask Liam.”

 

Louis and Zayn have gone out for a walk with baby Clover and it's snowing a little and the girl just watches the snowflakes in the baby-sling.

 

“What makes you think that?” Louis asks his friend.

 

“I don't know, he is a little distracted lately, and he's sadder than usually. I just...I don't want to demand too much of him. We have all the time in the world. I don't need to rush things.”

 

Louis frowns and opens his mouth to say something, but he doesn't.

 

“What?” Zayn asks.  
  
“Listen.” Louis looks at the younger boy. “I...It's that...you don't. You don't have all the time in the world. I know it feels like it but we don't. Our time is finite and sometimes we forget that. Believe me Zayn you two are ready. He asked you to marry him 8 month ago. He was ready then and he is now. You two tend to keep things silent and you never talk about your problems. But that's not good Zayn. I'm sure Liam's moods lately have nothing to do with you. Just talk to him. Life doesn't wait Zayn. Life doesn't wait.”

 

He smiles down at the baby girl.

 

“And just look what you can get when you just go out and chase your dreams Zayn.”

 

The younger boy nods. “Yeah. Maybe.”

 

-

 

Liam and Harry are out Christmas shopping. Harry kind of enjoys some time for himself but he already misses Clover.

 

“And yesterday I showed her the Band Aid video and she laughed as she saw Louis, it was so cute. And we really have to be careful, because she crawls so fast and she wants to explore everything and...”

 

He looks at the other boy who seems distracted by his own thoughts.

 

“Liam?”

 

“Huh?”

 

“Are you even listening?”

 

“Yes of course, Cloe is the most beautiful baby in the world.”

 

Harry sighs and crabs Liam's hand. “Li. What is going on?”

 

“I...” Liam starts. “Nothing.”

 

“Liam, seriously. Again?”

 

“I am just...I...” Liam swallows. “Sorry, I really can't talk about this.”

 

“Liam, babe, please.”

 

“Harry, this is something I have to figure out on my own.”

 

Harry shakes his head. “Li. I was there form the start, wasn't I? You are not alone and you don't have to be. Please, I am worried.”

 

Liam looks up. “Okay just...not here.”

 

They go home to Liam's and Zayn's apartment and Harry makes hot chocolate.

  
“So, can you tell me now Li?” Harry didn't really expect Liam to start crying.

 

“Liam.” He takes him in his arms. “I am sure it isn't at bad as you think.”

 

“It is Hazza.”

 

“What exactly Liam?”

 

“I fucked up. Again.”  
  


“How?”

 

“I...Zayn and talked about marriage and about you guys and Clover. And I...I told him I am not ready to start a family yet. Because this whole thing scares me and...I don't know I think he took it the wrong way, because he is really reserved since then. And I...I mean it was the truth, I am not ready for a baby. But I want to marry him and now he thinks I don't want to and maybe he figured out he doesn't want to either because he realized he could do so much better. I always fuck up, always Haz and Zayn deserves someone who is better than me. He deserves someone who is strong and confident and who can give him everything he wants.”

 

Harry doesn't quite understand. “But you do, Liam. You do.”

 

“I don't Harry. I will never be good enough.”

 

“Liam, you...” Harry tries to find the right word, but before he has the chance to do Liam continous.

 

“I don't expect you to understand, because everyone loves you Hazza. You are kind, funny and beautiful. Me, not so much. I have never been enough and I will never be. Not as a friend, not as a singer and especially not for Zayn.”

 

Liam pushes Harry away and stands up. “Leave me alone please.”

 

And before Harry can react, the older storms into his room and locks the door.

 

“Liam. I am sorry.” Harry says to the closed door. But he knows exactly who his friends needs right now.

 

-

 

Harry comes home to find Louis, Zayn and Niall lying on the floor of the living room around a very happy baby. He stops a second and smiles.

 

“Hi darling, you're back.” Louis notices him and stands up to pull him into his arms.  
  
“How was the shopping?” He kisses Harry's cold lips. “And were did you leave Payno?”

 

“Lou, can I talk to you for a second?” The older boy frowns and raises his eyebrows.  
  
“Harry, is everything okay?”

 

“Not really.”

 

-

 

Louis makes a note in his head to thank Harry that he made everyone of them keys for each apartment as he opens the door.  
  
But he is still not in Liam's room. He softly knocks at the door.

 

“Li? Here's Louis. Can you let me in please?”

 

He didn't expect it to be this easy. “Hi Lou.”

 

Louis takes the taller boy into his arms. “Oh Liam.”

 

When things get worse it is always him and Liam. Zayn is his partner in crime and Niall is his little brother, but Liam is his soul brother. He knows how the younger boy feels. He knows this feeling all to well, so he just holds Liam in his arms for a while, before he takes his hand and sits down on the bed with him.

 

“Will you talk to me now?”

 

Liam shakes his head but Louis knows that he will talk eventually. It's always been this way. Liam just needs someone who sticks around long enough to actually listen to him. Normally that someone has been Zayn. Louis has never been patient enough, but over the years he learned to be just what his friend needs.

 

“I...Louis. Why do I feel so …..........? I mean...Zayn is...you know him he is perfect. He...he never made me feel like I wasn't enough or that he isn't proud of me or that he don't want to be seen with me. But I...I can't help to feel like he is so much better than be and I am going to disappoint him eventually. Like I do every time.”

 

“Li. Liam. Listen to me now. That you didn't make it your first time on X faktor doesn't mean that you weren't enough. You were so much more. You were meant to be with us two years later. Did you give up back then? No. You didn't. Because you knew. You knew there was more out there, you knew you would make it. That no one came to your 16th birthday doesn't mean you're not enough. Because for the rest of your life you have 4 boys who will always be there no matter what.

When this girl didn't want to go out with you. Doesn't mean your not enough. Just not for her.

We cannot please everyone Liam. You can not be there for everyone. But for us, you're more than enough. For us you're inevitable. We need you. And you are enough for Zayn. You have been from the start. And I really don't know what he has to do prove it to you. I am sorry that you had to deal with so much growing up. But we all did. And that makes us stronger Liam. I know you don't feel like you can, but you have to be strong now or else you will mess this up and you will never forgive yourself. Zayn loves you. Let him.”

 

He wipes his shirtsleeves under Liam's eyes and presses a kiss against his temple.

  
“I love you Payno. Let's go get your boy.”

 

And Liam nods.

 

-

 

It reminds Harry of a while ago, Niall, Zayn and him here, Louis and Liam there, just this time it's completely different. Holding a sleeping baby in his arms is probably one of the reasons why.

 

“Harry?” Zayn asks, keeping his voice quite. “Lou went to see Liam didn't he?”

 

Harry nods. “Yeah.”

 

“Is everything okay with him?”

 

“I...” Harry sighs. “Yes. And no. He is just having some trouble with himself lately.”

 

“Did I...did I do something wrong?” It breaks Harry's heart that Zayn even considers this option.

 

“No, of course not.” He insist.

 

“But why is he so insecure again, I thought we were past this, I...”

 

Harry looks at Niall seeking help and the older boy goes over to pull Zayn in a hug. “It's Liam. He...he just always had a problem with this, but he loves you and...”

 

“He is an idiot.”

 

Liam is standing in the doorway and he looks like he has been crying, but he is smiling now.

 

“Can you forgive me once again Zayn?”

 

But Zayn is already right next to him and he embraces Liam and there is really nothing that has to be forgiven.

 

The younger boy holds him close. “I am so sorry Zayn.”

 

“It's okay Liam. You're here now.”

 

-

 

Harry crawls into the bet next to a sleeping Louis and it feels not at all like a while ago when he fell asleep crying in Zayn's arm on Niall's couch.

 

He smiles and opens the letter, even if he is technically 13 minutes late.

 

 

_Dear Harry,_

 

_this is an essay called:_

 

“ _The Peter Pan Phenomenon or Why I still believe in fairies.”_

 

_When we were kids everyone wanted to grow up,_

_to be tall and independent and everything they're not._

_But there was one boy who said that growing up was a trap._

_And that was the most important thing I've ever been taught._

 

_Today we forget the perks of being a child_

_and that we will never be as young as we are today._

_But that doesn't mean we can't still be wild,_

_just pray that our dreams may stay._

 

_Looking at me you'll consider me a man,_

_but please let me prove you wrong._

_I am everything I can_

_but I still have struggle to keep strong._

 

_The things is I did. I grew up because all the kids do except for one and that is not me._

_I grew up because I had to and that's the thing that bothers me._

_I want a world where everyone is able to grow up when there ready not when they have to._

_I am sick of people telling me I want things I don't,_

_and that one day I will understand even though I won't._

 

_I want to be able to grow without really growing up._

_Because adulthood is a party I definitely plan on showing up._

_Just don't expect me to stay you know?_

_I still have so many places I want to go._

 

_I need to keep the kid in me,_

_without him I'd be lost._

_The little boy who wants to see_

_what in this world he loves the most._

 

_Looking at me you'll consider me a man,_

_because I am a father now._

_But I'll do everything I can_

_to stay as young as we are now._

 

_I want to grow up, I really do,_

_but the day you'll hear me say,_

_that I don't believe in fairies or the truth,_

_is the day I don't want to stay._

 

_You need more in life than faith, trust_

_and a little bit of pixie dust._

_But these things are important too._

_And I do believe in fairies. I do. I do._

_And most of all I love you Harry Styles_

_and this beautiful girl in your arm._

_I would walk a thousand miles,_

_just to keep you warm._

 

_And I know that I can be your husband_

_and a really good dad for our child._

_But there are things I don't want to end,_

_I still want to be wild._

 

_Thank you for loving both parts of me,_

_my young side and my old,_

_without you I don't want to be,_

_our love story has to be told._

 

_All I have ever wanted is this._

_And all I have ever wanted is you._

_So let me give you the hidden kiss._

_I still believe in fairies._

_I do. I do._

 

_Your, just kind of lost boy, Louis._

 

 

Harry needs to kiss Louis and he is not even sorry for waking him up. There is still time to sleep when they are older.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry I am a little late today.  
> Just came home from a concert!
> 
> I found out Louis is sick, I am sending him all my love, hope he is better, hope Harry cuddles him till he is better.
> 
> I love you all:)


	14. 12/14/2014

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The taste of your lips on the tip of my tongue,   
> is at the top of the list of the things I want.

“Tonight is xfactor baby girl.” Louis whispers to Clover as he takes her out of bed this morning, quietly not to wake Harry up. “Excited to see where your daddys met? Where I fell in love with papa?” Clover squeaks and pulls at Louis' hair.

 

“Not my hair princess.” Louis jokes and puts the little girl in her chair. He looks at her for a while, how she is just sitting there smiling and being happy, and he is pretty sure, that the colour of her hair is the exact same chocolate brown as Harry's. But her eyes, he thinks, have the shade of blue-grey his get in winter and he wonders if maybe Clover has always meant to be in this family, meant to be theirs. And his heart aches a little thinking that they've lived 8 month without her.

 

He cannot think of losing her again. And it feels like she's been there the whole time, like he just waited for her to find his arms.

 

He is still standing there in the corner of their kitchen looking at the little girl as Harry comes down and hugs him from behind, leaving a kiss on his neck and this is what it feels like right? Life.

 

 

 

 

The night on xfactor has been amazing and Harry is still buzzing with energy but he has to be quiet because Louis is putting Clover to bed.

So he just sits there in the leaving room and smiles to himself as he starts to read Louis' letter.

 

 

 

_Dear husband,_

 

_it is a little more than a week till my birthday and Christmas come up. And you know how much I love this time of the year._

_But they say as you grow older, your Christmas list gets shorter because the things you wish for can't be bought._

 

_Oh Harold, I've never heard something more true._

 

_Growing up I was always excited for Christmas. Other kids who were born on Christmas eve may hate it, because it is not just about you, you don't get a day just for you._

 

_But you know my mum made sure Christmas eve was my night. She even used to tell me that all the lights in the streets were shining for me. It was okay that my sisters got presents too. I wanted everyone to be happy on my birthday. It was always a big celebration and it still felt like my day and I loved it._

 

_Today, I don't care about having a day any more. I don't really care about presents._

_But I do still love the spirit of this time in the year and I still wrote a list._

_A short one though._

 

_This Christmas,_

_I don't want much. I don't even wish for snow._

 

_All I really want is celebrate Clover's first Christmas eve with her. I want to be around for her first Christmas tree and her first Christmas morning and the first time her papa sings Holy night to her when he puts her to sleep on the 24th._

_And she is too young to understand what is going on but she will still feel all the excitement and all the love in the air and she will fall asleep with a smile on her pink lips and I will not go to bed that night, because I have to watch her and I have to hold you in my arms while doing so._

 

 

_This is all I wish for and I certainly hope it is not to much ask._

 

_I want to be around for all of her first times Haz, for her first steps and her first word (hopefully daddy!), for her first day in kindergarten and pre school, for the first time she falls and hurts her knee, I will hold her in my arms when she is having her first nightmare and I will sing to her until she falls asleep again. I want to be with her when she visits the zoo the first time and the fairy and Disneyland and I want to hold her hand when she sees the ocean the first time and I want to chase the waves with her. I want be there for the first time she falls in love but also for the first time she gets her heart broken. I want to tell her how beautiful she is and how much we love her and I want to watch the notebook with her and eat a whole bowl of ice cream. I want to scream for her on here graduation day and make her be embarrassed for her dads. I want to teach her that she should love whoever she loves and that we will love everyone she brings home, as long as he or she makes her smile. I want to teach her how to play the piano if she wants to. I want buy her a beautiful dress for her first prom. I want to make pictures of her and hang them everywhere in our house. I want to give her away on her wedding day, without really giving her away because even if it has just been a week, I can't imagine a life without her._

 

_She is our baby girl, our princess._

 

_So my only wish for this Christmas is Clover._

 

_You noticed? I begin to like her name. It really fits somehow. A special name for the most special girl._

 

_I love her so much it breaks my heart Harry._

 

_I love her with all I have._

 

_And I love you and I want you to come over and kiss me hard and then I want to hold you in my arms while we watch our little girl sleep._

 

_I love you Harry Tomlinson and I love Clover Tomlinson and I've never been more in love with life._

 

_Yours, first and last and everything between, Louis._

 

 

Harry doesn't even know why he is crying. Maybe because Louis described so accurately what he is feeling right now, maybe because Louis always finds the right words for situations like this.

 

And he is still crying as he tiptoes along the floor and he doesn't stop as he finds Louis lying in front of the baby's bed. He just lays down beside him, presses his back against his boyfriends stomach, waiting for him to wrap his arms around him.

 

And Louis does, because after all this time, their bodies fit perfectly together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well I am sorry that today was a little short and Tomlinsons centric. But I don't know I felt like it.
> 
> And I am so happy Louis is fine and the boys smashed it on X Factor tonight.  
> Never been prouder.
> 
> Also thinking of Louis and Clover breaks my heart. I want to cry. I can't even think of him having kids for real...too much.
> 
> And I love you all, the wait is over soon, Christmas is coming :)  
> I hope you all had the most wonderful weekend and thank you so much for sticking around.
> 
> I love you lots!


	15. 12/15/2014

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are things worth fighting for.

Harry will always love London's streets around Christmas time. The way the street lamps flicker in the cold light of a Monday afternoon while lonely snowflakes are slowly falling down to earth. The way all the houses are shimmering like they were immersed in the light of a thousand stars. And how the people just take some more time then usual, even if they are stressed, they seem to smile a lot more than in every other month of the year.

 

He is out for some more Christmas shopping with Niall, Zayn and Clover. They are still buzzing from yesterday's performance and he has the best mood ever. He doesn't even care that his back is aching because he and Louis fell asleep on the floor in front of Clover's bed yesterdays. It was all worth it when he woke up to Clove sitting in her bed, smiling at them joyfully.

 

“So what do we need?” Harry asks the other boys while he tries to hold Clover still. The little girl is just way too curious. “I think I still need something for Gem.”

 

“Yeah. I need something for Donyia too. What about you Niall?”

 

The blonde boy blushes a little as he answers “I don't need anything really, I just wanted to come along.” and Harry can't help thinking that there is something going on with Niall. He is going to ask him what this is about later.

 

But now he just wants to show his little girl how wonderful their city gets in December.

 

 

-

 

Louis enjoys to relax at home and playing FiFa with Liam. He has been missing his best friend lately and given the fact that Liam has been struggling he just wanted to spend the afternoon with him.

He is still overwhelmed with the performance yesterday on Xfactor and things are so good right now, but he can still enjoy a FiFa match with his mate.

 

“Can you imagine being a judge on the Xfactor?” the younger boy asks after Louis beats him the third time.

“What?” Louis looks and his blue eyes meet Liam's brown.

“I mean when all of this is over, when we are over. Could you imagine being a judge? I just thought you'd be a good one.”

 

Louis smiles at the thought of this. “Actually yes. I kind of like that idea. I want to help and encourage young talents. Like we were. We'd have never made it if Simon and all the others hadn't believed in us you know? I want to give that back, so yeah. Maybe. But why are you think about us being over? This is the real start Liam. Yesterday. That was us. How we truly are. How we want to be!”

 

Liam nods. “Yes, you're right Lou. It's just something I've been wondering. What happens to us when this part of our life is over you know. Where we'd all end up.”

 

Louis starts to get a little concerned because why would Liam think about that?

 

“Leemo, is everything okay?”

 

“Yes, I just...I've never felt like this before, like I belonged somewhere. But I belong here, in this band with you guys. And I am feeling a little of lately...I just don't think I can handle losing you.”

“But...” Louis stands up from the armchair and joins Liam on the couch. He wraps his arms around the younger boy and pulls him close, so Liam's can bury his face in Louis' sweater. They used to do this back on Xfactor. When one of them felt sad or upset they would hide in each others arms because both of them were expected to be the strong ones. But there always comes a moment when you just can't be strong any more. And when ever this has happened in the past four years Louis was there for Liam, like Liam was for him.

 

“Li, you know that you will not lose us right? You know that there is now way you will ever lose us, neither tomorrow nor 20 years from now. You know that, don't you?”

 

Liam nods, face still pressed into the fabric of Louis' sweater, his shoulders tensing up a little as he tries not to cry.

 

“I know.” He whispers. “I just don't want to see you three times a year when I am lucky. I can't cope with the thought that one day I will not be woken up by Harry playing the guitar or you and Zayn playing FiFa too loud at 7 am. I don't want to have to turn up the radio to hear Harry's voice because he is on Grimmy's morning show announcing his new single. I don't want to watch the X-Factor every weekend so I'll see your face. I want to have Niall around at least once in a week, because I am not used not to hear his laugh on daily basis any more and I am not sure if I will be able to move one without it. Do you get it Louis. I need you guys. It's not that I don't want to lose you, I can't. And I know there might be a long journey ahead of us but there will come a day when One Direction belongs to the past and I am afraid.”

 

The thing is Louis gets it and that's why Liam is his best friend. They share their dreams as well as their fears.

 

“Listen too me Li. Even if we are not a band any more, there are still so much more things we can be. You and me Liam, we could become the song writer duo, what do you think?”

 

He swears he can hear Liam smile as he answers he'd like the idea.

 

“And I am pretty sure, wherever we want to go, we'll all go together. We are more than a band Li. We are family.”

 

 

-

 

Liam thinks of Louis' words as he lies in bed that night holding Zayn in his arms. Maybe he will always be afraid of not being enough. And maybe he will always be afraid of them leaving. But just because he loves them so much. He loves these four boys and there are days he's sure that is exactly why he is on earth. That his meaning in this world is loving these boys with all he has. And sometimes he wonders how he'd ever survived without them.

 

He looks down at the sleeping boy in his arms and he smiles. Yes, this is his place. And yes he still is afraid, but maybe that's okay. Maybe he'll figure it out eventually. And till that point he will just continue loving them.

 

And Louis is right, there are more than a band. They were more, right from the start. But yesterday, after the incredible performance on Xfactor a forgotten feeling came back, a feeling he had four years ago in December. When they were voted off the competition and he felt worse than ever in his life before. Not because they lost. He couldn't care less about some stupid TV show. But because he was sure, this would be the end and that all of this was over before it began. He don't wanted to lose the feeling of being accepted and loved and he didn't want to lose these boys who just came into his life like angels. But he was so sure he did. He knew without them continuing as a band, they'd never like him.

 

But Zayn said it back then, and he kept saying it to Liam whenever he needed to hear it. This hadn't been the last of them. Their journey continued and there are mornings Liam wakes up thinking this is all a dream.

 

Louis is right. They won't leave. Like ever. Tonight, Liam is sure about that.

  
-

 

Niall is also still awake, but he lays alone in his bed thinking about how he should tell them.

This are some kind of big news and they are his brothers, so he wants to share everything him.

He is a little afraid though and he doesn't even know why. They'll understand. They will. They love him after all.

 

He has to tell them how much he loves them, he thinks. He doesn't do this enough. Lately he felt kind of lonely sometimes, around all the husbands and boyfriends and separated himself a little. But he misses his boys. And he needs to tell them.

 

Yesterday, when they were on stage together and they hugged he knew this is his place. This is were he belongs. Right next to his boys.

 

-

 

Harry is cuddled up in bed with a sleeping baby and a sleeping Louis as he unfolds the letter.

 

 

 

_Harry, my love,_

 

_yesterday night has been amazing and I have never been prouder to be in this band. It was incredible and awesome._

 

_This year has been incredible. We are finally who we want to be, as persons and as a band and I wanted to thank you for that love._

 

_I loved everything about last night but most of all I loved you falling asleep on the floor next to me at 5 am._

 

_I always told myself that there are things worth fighting for. Last year when I thought I couldn't see a light any more I told myself there are things worth fighting for._

 

_You know these night when you can wait to go to bed because you just want to forget everything at least for a few hours. Yet you are afraid to close your eyes because then all the thoughts you tried to push away come back and you have trouble falling asleep._

 

_I had too many night like this last year and I know you had too. But I kept telling myself that if I just hold on there will be other nights, nights were I don't want to close my eyes because no dream can possibly be better than this exact moment._

 

_And yesterday was this kind of a night._

 

_There are things worth fighting for Harry._

 

_There are things, like watching a sunrise, like a city by night, like a very good book, that you cannot stop reading, things like great friends and sparkling wine, shooting stars and campfires, things like a never told story of a genuine smile, like kissing for hours till your lips hurt, things like chocolate and hearing the rain outside your window, like a bowl of ice cream and a good movie, things like rehearsing new songs till the morning hours or listening to your favourite song on repeat till you can sing the back vocals too, things like counting stars until you lose focus, things like breathing in the cold night's air while holding someone's hand, like listening to someone's heart beating in sync with yours, like watching your baby sleep and talking to your husband, voices hushes but still full of excitement, things like a cup of tee and you, that are worth staying up all night._

 

_There are things worth fighting for._

 

_You, Clover and the boys._

_  
And night like these._

 

_I love you Harry Tomlinson-Styles. God you have no idea how much._

 

_Always yours, Louis_

 

 

“You forgot falling asleep with your husband and you baby next to you Louis.” Harry whispers before his eyes fall close and he drifts to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so tired and still not over last night, forgive me!  
> There will be more Niall soon, also more Zaynie <3
> 
> Good night, thanks for reading I love you all so much, you mean the world to me!


	16. 12/16/2014

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the beginning of the rest of our life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Niall centric for the Niall girl and because I am falling so hard for this boy right now.  
> I am sorry if it sucks, I am not used to writing so much about Niall. Should really start though.

 

Niall wakes up nervous this morning because he has decided to tell the boys today. It's Christmas coming up and he just doesn't want to wait any longer. But he won't tell them all at once. He will start with one of them. He just needs to decide who that will be.

Normally Liam would be his first choice, because they are the sensetive ones after all, aren't they. He can't count the times he cried on LI#s shoulder, or the other way around. But the older boy is a little caught up in his own problems and Niall doesn't want to be a burden.

He'd talk to Harry, because the youngest boy is also the most understanding of them, but he is really busy with Cloe and so is Lou.

Maybe he should talk to Zayn. He has always been there for him, they always watch out for each other.

But then again, all of them are family, so maybe it doesn't aḿatter, he can talk to all of them. He'll just see what the day brings.

 

-

 

The first of them he gets alone is in fact Zayn. And that is good right, he wanted to talk to him. So this is it. He has been practising the words in his head all morning. He is ready.

 

“Zayn?”

 

“Yeah?” They are at Zayn's and Liam's apartment, decorating a little and Liam is grocery shopping because they want to make some Christmas biscuits with Harry, Louis and Cloe.

 

“Can I talk to you about something?”

 

“Any time!” Zayn smiles as he opens a packet with baubles. “What's going on?”

 

 

“I...” Niall starts. “It's.....” He swallows. It's like the words are there, but he can't speak any more. He can't explain it, but he feels mute and Zayn looks at him in confusion.

 

“Ni?”

 

“Sorry, I...this is the first time I am talking about this and I....” Zayn comes over and takes his hand. Niall feels calmer immediately. Yes. He can do this, this is Zayn. He can, he will, he just needs a minute to breath and...”

 

“Hi guys! I am back.” Liam's voice puts his of his thoughts. Damn it . He was so close.

 

-

 

“Louis, come on we're running late! And Clover needs something to eat before we leave.” As beautiful and awesome this parenting thing is, it is at least as stressful. They wanted to leave an hour ago but then Cloe was sleep and now she is awake, but she is screaming because she wants to eat. And Harry hasn't really slept three nights in a row and he loves it but he is a little tired.

 

Louis walks in with a bright smile on his lips and why does this boy looks so good even if he doesn't sleep?

 

“I: Baby. You: Letter.” The older boy states as he takes Clover out of Harry's caring arms and thrusts the letter in his hands. He leans forward to peck Harry's lips. “We'll leave in ten baby.”

 

_Dear husband,_

 

_a week and a day to go. Then our first Christmas eve as husbands is here. Out first Chirstmas with Clover. I am so excited. I know it will be unforgetable._

 

_And I can't wait for 2015._

_It will be the first year of forever. The first year of the rest of our life._

 

_What do you wish for this Christmas? Actually I already have a surprise for you, but you won't get it before next year. Still, you will love it._

 

_But I want to get you something for Christmas morning, so do you have a wish?_

 

_Some new glitter boots maybe?_

_A necklace with Clover's name?_

_A new journal?_

_A signed album from Sam Smith?_

_A guitar maybe?_

_Letters for everyday of the next year? (Probably not going to happen though. 2016 maybe)_

_Another baby?_

 

_Okay sorry I am just kidding and I haven't slept much this week, so forgive._

 

_I mean it though. I want another baby. Not now, not any time soon. But eventually. I love this. I mean it's exhausting. But I love it. I love Clover and I love our little family and I can't say it enough._

 

_So what do you want for Christmas?_

 

_A kitten, what about a kitten? Gemma or Lottie could take care of it as long as we are on tour. But Cloe would have some companion, you know? And you love cats. Let me get you a kitten for Christmas. What do you say?_

 

_I love you Harry Styles. I love you so much and I love the fact that all I have to w_

_orry about right now is that I don't have a Christmas present for you yet._

 

_I mean I know there is more to worry about and there will always be things we struggle with._

_But right now, sitting in our living room, with you and Cloe asleep next door, writing this letter at 4 am, I feel invincible._

 

_Whatever life has in store for us, we will handle it. With your hand in mine, I will always win._

 

_I am sorry Haz, this letter is short and kind of incoherent but right now I am really craving your loving arms. I am gonna go back to bed._

 

_Love, for the rest for my life, yours Louis_

 

“Are you ready to go honey?”

 

“Yeah.” Harry smiles. “Yeah I am coming!”

 

-

 

The next chance Niall gets to talk to someone is with Harry. They are taking Clover for a walk so she can fall asleep in her baggie.

 

But before Niall finds the right words to start, Harry speaks up.

 

“Can I asked you a favour Niall?”

 

“Uhm, sure!”

 

“I told you about how I want to make Louis and my dream wedding come true, right?”

 

And Niall nods, because yes he remembers this conversation.

 

“Yeah, right and I know I asked you to be my best man alongside Zayn. But I actually want you to be our marriage registrar? I've read about this, apparently you can register online or something, And it will be even more easy because Lou and I are already married. But it would be so great, Ni. Would you like to do this for me?”

 

Niall is speechless because he didn't see this coming. This is huge. He, holding a marriage ceremony. For Louis and Harry, the greats couple in history?

 

“Nialler?”

 

“Y..Yes Harry. Yes. I would be honoured.”

 

“Great!” Harry pulls him into a hug. “Thank you. You are the best!”

 

-

 

Niall couldn't bring himself to talk to Harry after this conversation. But he still want to talk about it today, because he is afraid if he doesn't, he is not going to do it like ever.

 

So as Liam asks him to get the Christmas tree with him he says yes immediately. Maybe Liam is the best choice after all. Liam went to stuff like this before, he'll know what to do. But he has to start differently this time.

 

The two boys spend the first minutes of the drive silent as Niall puts the word together in his head.

 

“Leemo, can I asked you something?”

 

Liam smiles and nods, eyes focused on the road.

 

“Do you sometimes feel like you are losing yourself? Like you're looking at you in the mirror for minutes trying to figure out who you truly are.”

 

Liam just stares on the road for a while, eyes not moving, until he answers his friend's question.

 

“I do. A lot actually. Mostly at night when I can't sleep. I don't know. I am afraid to give up on the boy I once was. We are always pushed to grow up and it scares me, Ni. A lot. But I think it's normal. That's what growing up is about.”

 

He looks at Niall.

 

“But it's good to know that I can always talk to one of you guys.”

 

“Yeah, right.”

 

Now. Now is the right time to tell him Niall things, but he can't say the words out loud.

 

“There is something I want to tell you actually.” Liam says and Niall looks at him confused.

 

“I...I am going to propose to Zayn. Like for real. In a 'I want you forever and I want it now' kind of way. On Friday.”

 

Niall notices the smile appearing in the corner of Liam's mouth and wow.

 

“I...Congratulations man.”

 

“Thank you. But didn't you want to talk about something too?”

 

“I...No, it...it's fine.”

 

“But you can always talk to me Ni. About anything okay?”

 

-

 

It's getting late and Niall has to tell somebody so he sneaks into the guest room where Louis is putting Clover to sleep.

 

“Hi Niall. Isn't she beautiful?” Louis asks, smiling at the sleeping girls in his arms.

 

Niall nods. He doesn't feel like speaking. But he has to. He wants to. This is just...Why is this so difficult. This is good, he remembers himself. This is great and there's nothing to be afraid of.

 

“Ni, are you alright.”

 

“Yeah!” The blonde boy answers but he shakes his head.

 

“Niall, talk to me. What's wrong.”

 

“Nothing I...there's just...there's just something I have to tell you.”

 

Louis smiles at him encouraging as blue eyes meet blue.

 

“Go ahead.”

 

“Louis, I think I am...”

 

He gets cut off by Louis' phone ringing and this can't be true. The universe is got to be kidding him.

 

“Sorry, I have to get that, can you hold Cloe for a second?”

 

And then Louis is outside the door, leaving him and the baby alone.

 

“Hi Clover.” Niall whispers. “I've been trying to tell your Daddy something really important. But it seems like this isn't happening today. Maybe I should talk to you. You can't judge me and I'm sure you want laugh at me. Your such a beautiful girl.”

 

He really considers telling her, because he just needs to say it out loud. He wants too. He...

 

The door opens and his eyes meets Louis and he knows in a split second that something went terribly wrong.

  
“Lou?”

 

“T...that was the lady from the adopting a...agency. I...they...Apparently they found a family for Clover.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...this is about to get worse. And I am not even sorry.
> 
> But I am sorry that this chapter is not as good as it could have been. Had some trouble writing today.
> 
> I love you all and all my prayers and thoughts go out to Pakistan and Sydney and wherever there are needed right now. I am sorry, I am just a little upset with how cruel this world is. Again.
> 
> But you are great and I love you all and thank you:(


	17. 12/17/2014

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please tell me this is going to be okay.

Louis doesn't know what to do. He didn't sleep at all the whole but this time it was not because Cloe kept awake.

He needs a plan. He needs a plan as soon as possible. The lady at the agency said they would pick Clover up at Friday so he has two more days to fix this.

He can't tell Harry. There has to be a way he can figure it out on his own.

 

He has to talk to Niall. He is the only one who knows, the only one who can know. He isn't going to tell the others. He is...he just has to do this alone. Or with Niall.

 

 

Louis is walking up and down in Nialls's living room talking more to himself than to the younger boy who just sits in the armchair and waits patiently for his friend to calm down.

 

“Lou.” He says softly.

 

“Louis. Please. Tell me right from the start. I need to know everything if I should help.”

 

“Well, there is this couple apparently and they wanted to adopt some new born but the mother decided against adoption in the last minute. But they still want to a baby and they've seen Cloe's file and now they want to adopt her. End of the story.”

 

“Well, but...what if you and Harry adopt her? I mean, she is already yours, that has to count somewhere, hasn't it?”

 

“Not gonna happen because Harry is not 21 yet.”

 

“Fuck. And what if you adopt her alone. This is possible too, isn't it?

 

Louisn laughs bitterly. “Yeah my chances are really high if they have to choose between a married couple with a house, financial stability and a stay-home-mum and a 22-year ild boy who is going to be on tour in two month. Yes man. That's a no-brainer.”

 

Niall stands up to comfort Louis because in all these years he has learned to see behind his mask and he knows how hurt and desperate the older boy has to be right now. But Niall can't think of anything to make this situation better, so he just wraps his arms around him and pulls him close.

 

“Ni, how can I possibly fix this? It was not supposed to happen that way. I really thought taking her in foster care would mean we are going to adopt her next. I...I don't get this...just, why? Why Niall?”

 

Louis voice is shaking like he is on the edge of tears and Niall is so mad at the whole world rght now. Harry and Louis don't deserve this, not after all they've been through.

 

“What if we go and talk to this lady. Like today? Just tell Harry we have to get some stuff for Christmas, I don't know. And we will talk to, tell her how happy is Cloe here and how much we all love her. Maybe she'll undertsand,”

 

And Louis nods because it's the best chance he gets.

 

-

 

Harry visits Liam and Zayn while Louis and Niall are heading to whatever they are up too. They've been a bit mysterious about that. But he enjoys to have time to think a little as he watches his two friends lying on the ground reading some Christmas book a very happy Cloe. Harry smiles to himself partly because this baby is his and partly because he can totally picture Zayn and Liam with their own kids someday and it fills his heart with joy.

 

He leaves the living room and steps out on the balcony to get a few minutes on his own. The cold air greets him sharply but he doesn't really care. He reaches into the pocket of his blue skinny jeans and pulls out the letter Louis gave him this morning.

 

_Dear Harry,_

 

_we are strong, aren't we? As long as we are together, nothing can stop us._

_You are my ship and I am your compass, right? We will make it till the end. Right?_

_Please tell me this is going to be okay._

 

_I love you Haz. I love you and our baby girl and I love the boys and our families and writing songs and being on tour and I love my life. But sometimes I hate this world._

 

_It is so cruel, it kills me. There are so many children dying before their first birthday. So many parents that have to bury their children. So many bad things happening and I can't do anything. I can't cope with this and I am slowly losing faith in humanity._

 

_But then I look at you._

_I look at you and I do not understand how you can be so overwhelmingly generous to everyone around you, whether you know them or not, whether they are nice to you or not and you never expect to get something back._

 

_Because of you I still believe in the good in people and also in the good this world has to offer. If it wasn't for you I'd probably be done with all of this at this point._

_But you show me every day how important it is to be grateful for what we have and to be nice to people, to forgive them._

 

_I'm still finding it hard to cope with all the bad things happening. But your kindness equals a lot._

 

_When we first met I was overwhelmed with your kindness and your bravery and how you always manage to smile no matter what. And back then I promised myself that I would always stick around to be in your life so you'd never be alone in a world you are too good for and to make sure to never lose your faith in people._

_And here I am and I am trying real hard Harry. I really am._

 

_And I am sorry that I am not always able to protect you. I want to shelter you because you deserve better than this cruel, lying world we live in._

 

_I am sorry baby cakes. I am so sorry._

_But I am here and I hope you will always see the good in me. Whatever the future may bring._

 

_I love you for how you see the world. Because we tend to only see the bad things too often. And you always remind me that there's something more, something different._

 

_Before I knew you I hated the rain and now I find myself out there in the pouring rain, kissing your wet lips, clothes and hair soaking and I've never felt something like that._

 

_Thank you Harry Tomlinson-Styles._

 

_I am not even lying when I say you've changed my life. I love you. I love you. I love you._

 

_Please stay as kind, warm-hearted, strong and beautiful as you are._

 

_I need you._

 

 

_Yours, in every version of reality you can imagine, Louis Tomlinson-Styles_

 

 

 

Harry is a little confused. What is this about? He has to ask Louis when he comes home later.

 

-

 

Louis manages to hold back the tears until he sits in his car but then he lets his head sink against the steering wheel, his shoulders shaking.

 

“Lou, it's okay..Louis...” Niall tries to console the older boy, but there's nothing he can say to make this better. He pulls him in his arms and lets him cry on his shoulder because that's all he can do right now.

 

“It's going to be okay Louis. I promise you. I will help you find a way to adopt Clover. We will find a way, I promise.”

 

Louis just continuous crying, hands clenching on the younger boy's chest and Niall lets him, he let's him as long as he has too, rubbing circles on his back to comfort him.

 

“I love you Louis. We'll fix this.”

 

And Louis wants to believe his words. He really wants to. But he can't stop thinking what Mrs. Henderson (that's the name of the lady from the adoption agency.) said. Even if she wants to, she can't help him. The court decides who gets a baby and the other couple has advantages, because they've waited longer and they have a lot more stability to offer than Louis. She said she could bring it up to the counsellor but there is just a 5 percent chance Louis will even be considered to be Cloe's father.

 

And five percent sounds so bad when it is if you're keeping your child or not.

 

“We can't tell Harry. Please.”

 

“But Louis, we have too. He can help figure something.”

 

But Louis shakes his head and pulls away from Niall.

 

“Harry can't know. He deserves this one day in peace with her okay? We can't take this away from him Niall.”

 

“But...”

 

“This is my last word Niall.”

 

-

 

Liam gets more sure about this every second he watches Zayn with Clover. He wants to marry this boy. He has to marry this boy. It is not even a question any more. He has never been more sure about something in his life and and it feels so good.

 

He has to wait until Clover and Harry said there goodbyes before he can finally do what he was wishing for the whole day. He takes Zayn's face in both of his hands and looks in his dark chocolate coloured eyes with flecks of hazelnut. “I love you Zayn.”

 

And without a warning he presses his lips against Zayn's, who are always a little wet because he tends to lick them and it makes Liam crazy. He parts them with his tongue and licks into Zayn's mouth making the older boy shiver.

  
“I love you so much Zayn.” Liam whispers against his boyfriend's lips as he runs his finger's through his long hair. “I love you so much you have no idea.”

 

He can feel the older boy smile against his mouth.

 

“I think I have a pretty good idea, jaan. I love you too.”

 

 

-

 

“I love you so much, you have no idea.” Louis whispers pressing a kiss against Cloe's forhead. “I am so sorry princess.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should really stop writing this late at night, because I am always too tired to read through it, I am sorry.
> 
> Hope you are all good and please don't hate me for this, okay? I love you, please don't be mad at me!
> 
> Also I realized it is a week until Christmas...wow. Also I am kind of emotional today...Zayn's eyes though. Zayn always helps. 
> 
> I wish you the best week anyone can ever have and did I say I love you all? Thank you so much for reading and commenting and just being here. It means a lot! <3
> 
> Oh and Nouis is my new Brotp in case you didn't notice! ;)


	18. 12/18/2014

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To fight for you is all I've ever known.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suggested listening: One Republic - Come home.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qxW0cPo7F_o

Harry wakes up to a screaming baby and he wonders where Louis is this early. He would really like to fall back asleep for a few more hours. But then again they planned to take Clover out to the park today and they want to meet up with Lou and Lux for Clover's first play-date, so he should probably get up. It's gonna be a great day, he just need to get used to this new sleeping pattern.

 

He gets Cloe out of her bed. “Good morning little princess. Let's go find out where daddy is.” The baby stops crying as soon as it is in Harry's arms. They go downstairs and both notices the voices that come from the living room area. Clover bounces in Harry's arms as she hears Louis.  
“Yes Cloe, think we found him. And it sounds like uncle Nialler is with him. That's cool, I really miss him being around lately.

 

Harry reaches the doorstep and he stops as he sees Niall and Louis fighting with each other through the open door.

  
“Niall I appreciate your concern and your help but this is my business!”

 

“No Louis, you have to understand that it's not any more! You...”

 

“Oh just shut up. I can handle this!”

 

“You CAN'T. You have to tell him Louis!”

 

“I AM NOT TELLING HARRY!”

 

“What are you not telling me?”

 

Louis and Niall both turn around to where Harry is standing in the door frame, Clover on his hips, eyebrows raised.

 

“Harry.”

 

“Haz.”

 

“Louis. What are you not telling me?”

 

“I...It's just...”Louis tries to think of a good excuse. “We...”

 

“Louis.” Niall speaks up, not helping at all. “Come on, man, you have to tell him!”

 

“I...” Louis' blue eyes fill with teas as he takes a step towards his husband. “I am so sorry babe.”

 

“Lou.” Harry's voice is shaking because he knows what's coming now he just can't believe it until Louis said it out loud. “Just tell me, please.”

 

The older boy doesn't want to, he really doesn't but it's not his decision any more.

 

“I...we...” The word's have trouble passing his lips. “They...they have found parents for Clover.”

 

Harry gasps because even thought he knew this was coming the words break his heart and Louis is at his side immediately but he just can't, he...

 

“Why? When?”

 

 

“They'll pick her up tomorrow morning.”

 

“Tomorrow?” Harry takes a step back because he can't cope with Louis' propinquity right now. Tomorrow. The word echos in his head. Tomorrow. They won't even spend Christmas with her.

 

“Since when did you know?”

 

Louis winces like a hurt puppy. “Haz, please.”

 

“Answer my question.”

 

“Tuesday.”

 

Tuesday.

 

“Really. REALLY?” Harry cannot believe that this is happening. “Again Louis? YOU DID IT AGAIN?”

 

He doesn't even realizes that he is yelling until Clover starts to cry.

 

“Cloe, I am sorry, you're right. I am not yelling. Sorry honey.”

 

He turns around and leaves the living room without another word.

 

“Harry.” Louis is right behind him, following him and the baby upstairs but Harry can't deal with him right now. He grabs Cloe's changing bag and throws a few clothes in the first back pack he finds.

 

“Haz, baby, what are you doing?”

 

“We're leaving!”

 

“What?”

 

“We are living. Me and Cloe. Can't you see that?”

 

The older boy grabs Harry's wrist and makes him turn. Their eyes meet and for the split of a second Harry just wants to put the bags down and sink into Louis' loving arms. But he can't.

“Please Harry, you can't just leave, we...we need to figure this out together.”

 

Harry shakes his head. “It's too late for this Lou.”

 

And with that he leaves. As soon as he is out of the door he allows his tears to start falling.

 

-

 

The smile on Liam's lips drops as he opens the door and sees Harry's tearful face. He pulls the younger boy inside the house and wraps him and Clover into his arms. Harry doesn't wear a jacket and his bare skin is cold as ice. “Harry, love, what happened?”

 

A few minutes later Harry sits on Liam and Zayn's couch, covered in all the blankets Liam could find. A cup of steaming coffee is placed on the table in front of him, because Zayn insisted he need something warm to drink. But the younger boy just looks down at his hands as he tells his friends the story.

 

 

“But can they just take her away from you like this?” Liam asks, sitting down beside the curly boy, eyes filled with worry.

 

Zayn is on the ground and tries to stop Clover from crawling away.

 

“Apparently. I...I don't know. Maybe, I think they told us something about how this works when we picked her up, but I can't remember.”

 

He buries his face in the palm of his hands trying really hard not to start crying again.

 

“Maybe I overreacted. Maybe I should go back and talk to Louis. I shouldn't have left, but do you understand? I am so done with him trying to fix things on his own. Like when he signed the contract with Eleanor for one more year. Yes, he thought he was saving me from having a fake relationship with Kendall but he didn't even give me a chance to fight for myself. And in the end it worked out fine but it could have gone so wrong, we could still be in the closet today, just because he doesn't let me help. And now he did it again. I just don't get it. Doesn't he trust me?”

 

“No. No.” Liam tries to find the right words to explain Harry why Louis acts like this.

 

“He wants to protect you, he wants to shelter you.” Zayn answers for his boyfriend. “That's why he hides the truth. Of course he trust you. More than anyone in this world. But he the worst thing for him is if you get hurt. So he tries to fix things before this happens.”

 

Harry wants to answer as the doorbell rings and they boy's eyes meet. They're all thinking the same.

 

“I...I can't see him right now, I am not. I am not ready.”

 

 

Zayn stands up the get the door and Liam pulls Harry in his arms. The younger boy closes his eyes and he doesn't want to open them again.

 

“Harry.”

 

“Zayn, Harry said he doesn't want to see him.”

 

Zayn looks guilty as he follows Louis into the living room.

 

“He...I just wanted to say goodbye to Clover. And give you this letter Harry."

 

Louis doesn't even try to stop his tears from streaming down his face and a part of Harry still craves his loving arms but he can't.

 

“Thanks Lou...I...We'll be home early tomorrow. You can see her tomorrow, before they...before she...you know. I just. I need some time.”

 

Louis nods and kisses his baby before he leaves. “Just, please read the letter Harry.”

 

Zayn looks after him and then his eyes meet Liam. They are both not sure who to comfort right now. But Liam nods and Zayn gets up to go after Louis.

  
“Hazza?” Liam asks softly. “Is there anything I can do for you.”

 

The younger boy bites his lips and swallows his tears. Clover crawls over to him, as she is feeling his pain and he takes her into his arms.

 

“Can you...leave maybe? I need a few minute to read the letter.”

 

Liam nods and presses a kiss against Harry's temple. “I am right outside if you need me.”

 

Harry nods.

 

 

 

 

_Dear Harry, love of my life, my sun, my everything._

 

_Let me tell you how sorry I am. I know I messes up, again. And I get that your angry and I get that your mad. Be angry. Yell at me. Punch me. Say everything that's in your head right now. You can scream, you can swear. You can do whatever you want._

 

_But don't shut me out. Please. Don't make the same mistakes I did._

 

_You are right, you are absolutely right Harry. You are my husband and I shouldn't keep anything from you. I just...as I got the phone call, I freaked out. I couldn't think straight. All I could think was that I had to fix it. Harry, I knew I should have talked to you I am sorry. You are my better half, my soulmate. It is us against the world and I am sorry that I tend to forget this sometimes._

 

_I just want to protect you and oh, I want to protect Clover. I...We can't lose her Haz. That was all that I could think of. I wanted to shelter both of you from the world, because you are my family and because my heart broke, the second I thought about losing her. And now I may lose you both._

 

_Please forgive me Harry. Please, I need you. I have never needed you more and I think you need me too. I am sorry, I know I can't do or say anything to make this better. But I hope you can forgive me, so I can hold you in my arms and hide in bed with you as long as we both need to._

 

_I proposed a motion for adoption but the chances are not very high that they'll pick me over this married couple. That was all I could do Harry._

 

_I know that you're heart must be broken in thousand of pieces right now, because mine is too. Never in my life have I felt this pain and I can't...we can't lose her._

 

_She is...Clover is our baby, she is our daughter and I know we only had her for ten days but she belongs to us. She will always belong to us. I...I thought we could talk to the couple, tell them how much we love her. Maybe they will understand. I don't know Harry...I just know I can't give her up yet. And I can't give you up. I won't._

 

_You. You and Clover are everything I need in this world, so please, please forgive me. I can't do this on my own, I know that now. I was stupid for thinking this was something I could handle._

 

_Come back Harry, I need you here. I need you to tell me it will be alright and I need to hold Clover in my arms and I need you to sing to her until she closes his beautiful eyes._

 

_Harry, I could conquer the world with just one hand as long as you are holding the other._

 

 

_But without you I can't do anything. Harry, I am sorry. I made a mistake. I know that. But I need you to forgive me right now, because my heart is broken and I need my husband. We can fight later. But not right now. Right now I want to hold you and please I want to hold Clover in my arms while she is sleeping._

 

_Come home Harry. Please. I need you here, because everything I can't be is everything you are. I need your strength, because, baby, you are so much stronger than I am sometimes. You are the better half of me._

 

_I know I am just dreaming out loud, but maybe this will end alright, maybe the world ain't half as bad as we paint it to be, and that's what we need to show our daughter. I just want you to teach her how to get lost in the beauty. This might be the start Harry._

 

_Just, come home. I am waiting for you. I need you here because all I can tell yo right now is that my arms are made for holding you and that to fight for you is all I've ever known._

 

_Forgive me Harry Tomlinson-Stlyes. I am so sorry._

 

_You and Clover are my world and if I would not survive losing you._

 

_Come home, come home._

 

 

Now Harry canont stop the tears any more, they are just streaming down his face, leaving traces on the paper as Louis' words blur slowly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not crying. Don't hate me. I'll fix it.
> 
> Love you so much <3


	19. 12/19/2014

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are so many wonders waiting out there I promise you this baby girl.

It's 2.45 am when the doorbell rings, but it isn't as if Louis has slept at all. He still didn't imagine Harry standing outside their flat in the cold winter's air in just a T-Shirt and with a very awake baby in his arms.

 

“Harry. C...Come in, you gonna catch a cold.”

 

He is here, Louis thinks. He is here and this is all that counts right now, all he needs to keep his hopes up. Harry's eyes are the shade of green that's a mixture of the sky and the grass, a deep cyan Louis knows means that the younger boy's heart is shattered. And as he look into them just for a a second he knows Harry is here because he needs him too, because even if he is mad at Louis right now, he needs his husband and they are only strong if they have each other. So Louis opens his arms for him and Harry falls in easily, fitting in the space in between perfectly like he did the first day, even though he is much taller than Louis now.

 

Harry is freezing and Louis holds him as close as he can, because that's all he is able to do right now, keeping him warm.

 

“I forgot to grab my jacket when I left, I just took Cloe's because I couldn't get away fast enough and I am sorry.” Harry mumbles against Louis' chest. “I am sorry I left.”

 

“No I am sorry. You were right, I messed up. This is completely my fault.”

 

“It's okay Louis. I forgive you.”

 

-

 

They end up lying on the floor again, Clover in between them playing with Mr.Bear the Teddy they got her on her first day. She is happy, as happy as an eight month old baby can get, with a stuffed animal and her dads watching her carefully at 4 am.

 

“I am sorry Clover.” Louis whispers and he loves her name more and more with each time he says it out loud. “You'll have a beautiful life. I am sure you're going to have a wonderful family. You will grow up just fine princess. You will have a great childhood. You will learn all the good things about life and all the bad.” He isn't sure for who he is saying all this. But it feels good.

 

“Promise me something Clover. When you doubt the good in the world look up at the stars. Notice the little boy smiling at you. Listen to good music. Hide in your room for days if you need to. But then come out and kiss the stars, okay? Don't ever give up. There are so many wonders waiting out there I promise you this baby girl. I...”

 

He can't continue because he starts crying and Harry reaches over to hold his hand. “She will have a wonderful life Louis, I am very sure.” And Clover notices her daddy's tears and he crawls over to him placing her tiny hand on his cheek. “Ah?” And that makes Louis cry even more but he manages to smile at her through his tears. “I love you so much Clover.”

 

And now Harry is crying too and he pulls Louis and Clover in his arms. “You'll always be our daughter. What ever may happen.”

 

-

 

The night is over too fast and the morning is here and Louis and Harry both try to hold back their tears. All Harry can thin is this is the last time. The last time he feeds Cloe. The last time he baths her. The last time his kisses every one of her little fingers. The last time he hears her laugh. The last time he holds her in his arms.

 

Mrs. Henderson and a young man come at 9.30 am to pick up the baby. She tells them that she Louis' proposal for adoption will be profound tomorrow and that the boy should show up at 12.15 pm.

 

“The decision will be made on Monday. But I am going to be honest Mr. Tomlinson. As much as I want to tell you otherwise, your chances are not very high.”

 

“I know.” Louis nods. “But thank you.”

"She...she needs his Teddy. She can't sleep without Mr.Bear." Harry steps behind Louis and places a hand on his lower back to keep him steady.

"Thank you Mr. Tomlinson."

As soon as the door is close Louis sinks down at the floor and starts crying. Harry lays down beside him pulling him into his arms and cries with him. They just lay there for at least an hour before Harry picks Louis up carries him into the bed room, where they hide under the blankets.

 

-

 

Liam wanted to do it today. He planned the whole evening, just him and Zayn. But he just can't. Not if Harry and Louis might lose Clover. Not if this world is so cruel and unfair.

But maybe he should do it because of this. Because this world is bad and anything can happen. Who knows if he gets the chance tomorrow. Tonight could be the only right time to do it. The next day can be to late.

 

Maybe he should do it. Life doesn't wait right? And he already called Hazza but the younger boy said that they wanted to be alone today. So there is nothing he can do for them at the moment right? They will accompany them to the registrar's office tomorrow but tonight, he can do nothing to help them.

 

So maybe he should propose to Zayn. With everything he planned. Or he can just stay at home and decorate the house a little with candles and roses and slow dance with him in the living room. Yes, maybe that's a good idea.

 

As Zayn comes home Liam greets him on the doorstep, dressed in a suit, with a single rose in his hand.

 

“Hi beautiful.”

 

Zayn's eyes crinkle as he smiles.

 

“Hi jaan. What is this for?”

 

“I...” Liam steps closer and embraces his boyfriend in a hug before he continues. “I love you. And I had this whole evening planned out for you, because I wanted to do something special. I wanted to make this unforgettable. But the whole thing with Clover made me think and maybe it's not about how big this is. It is not about how much I can give you and more about what I give you. I will give you all my love, for everyday of the rest of our lives.”

 

Zayn frowns, but he lets Liam take of his jacket and takes his hand as he leads them into the living room. There are candles everywhere and 'Thinking out loud' is playing in the background.   
  


“What is this about Li?” Zayn asks but the younger boy just answers with a kiss.

 

“Dance with me Zayn Malik.”

 

And Zayn does, because that is their thing, became their thing somewhere in the last two years. Liam just started taking his hand at the most random occasions and danced with him. And from this time on whenever one of them was either extremely sad or really happy, they would dance together, if a song they liked starts playing they would dance, if theay walked through the streets at night, Liam would take his hand and dance with him and Zayn loves it.

 

He lets Liam pulls him closer and places his left hand on the younger boy's shoulder as Liam's fingertips dig into his waist. Zayn slides his hand down from Liam's shoulders and lets it rest at the upper part of his back. They are just inches away from each other and he can feel his heart beating faster even if he doesn't really know why.

 

Liam leans his forehead against Zayn's and closes his eyes.

 

“You know how much I love you, don't you Zayn?” He whispers.

 

“I think I do, I love you too jaan!”

 

Liam smiles softly. “And you know I said, that I still need time and that I don't want to rush things right?”  
  


Zayn nods because he remembers this conversation. “Yeah.”

 

“And your reaction was so perfect, really Zayn, you are always so understanding and you always care for me and I am thankful for this. But I have been thinking. About how much I love you. And how much I want you. And that I would really like to rush things.”

 

 

He stops dancing and lets go of Zayn to get down on his knee. “You know what's coming now right?” He takes the casket with the ring out of the pocket of his suit. “I thought of so many thing to say, but I've forgotten them all. And there is really just one question for you to answer.” He opens the casket. “Do you want to marry me Zayn Malik?”

 

Zayn's eyes fill with tears but instead of answering he gets down on his knees as well, facing Liam, looking right into his perfect eyes, which, right now, have the colour of copper against honey.

  
“Zayn what are you doing?”

 

“Shh.” Zayn pecks his boyfriend's lips before he reaches into the pocket of his jeans and pulls out a beautiful ring.

 

“I have been thinking about this moment since Harry and Louis' wedding. When you asked me to marry you, somewhere in the future and I said yes. Of course I did, because it was always obvious that my heart is yours, right? And I am going to say yes again. But I want to say something else before. I was planning on proposing to you on New Years Eve. Well actually I wanted to do after the tour ended and then I wanted to do it in Rome but yeah...I didn't want to rush things. And after you told me that you are not ready, I decided to wait. And now you are here, on your knees in front of me, and my heart is beating out of my chest and I just want to say yes and kiss you and wear this wonderful ring. But I need to say this first. I love you Liam Payne and I always knew that you are the one for me. It is normal to have doubts sometimes, but there was never a time I didn't knew I wanted you. I fell in love with you when you didn't love yourself. And I love you with all my life. You are my life. And I want this. I couldn't be happier. But I need to know that you are ready. That you are not just doing this for me.”

 

“I am not. I want this Zayn, I really do, you have to believe me, I...”

 

“Okay. Okay. Liam, yes. Of course I want to.” He holds the ring up. “Will you marry me too?”

 

“Yes. Yes. Yes Zayn. I do.”

 

“I love you jaan.”

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

Harry must have been fallen asleep because as he wakes up he is alone in the bed. He needs a second to remember what happened but then the pain comes back and it hits him hart. But there is a letter with his name written on it lying on Louis' side of the bed. Harry's heart begins to beat faster, as he unfolds it. Louis wouldn't leave, would he?

 

_Dear Harry,_

 

_don't worry, I just went out for a short walk because I needed some fresh air. I'll be back soon._

 

_I didn't know if I should right you a letter today. At first I didn't feel like it, but I thought I needed to. This is important, especially today._

 

_So let me promise you something._

 

_How ever this will end, we are going to get through it. We will be okay Harry. As long as we have each other it will be okay eventually. I know it hurts so bad right now. But it will hurt less someday._

 

_And I promise you another thing. We will have a family. You will have the children you deserve. We'll try again. And I know we will never forget Clover. But we don't have to. I will always love our little princess and that's okay. That's okay Harry._

 

_And it is okay to be hurt right now. I am too. But tomorrow we should try to be faithful. I believe that Cloe belongs to us and I know it is not much but we do have a chance that they will see it. I don't give up just yet._

 

_All I can do right now is to hold you in my arms and I am so thankful that you let me. I am sorry, please believe me, as I didn't tell you, I just wanted to protect you. It was a mistake. I know that. I am sorry._

 

_I love you Harry Tomlison-Stlyes._

 

_I know you don't believe me right now. But it's going to be okay. We are going to get our baby back. I feel it with every inch of my body._

 

 

_Yours, with every beat of my heart, Louis._

 

Louis comes back just as Harry finished the letter and he crawls in the bed, throwing his arms around the younger boy and Harry lets him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SORRY.
> 
> Don't hate me:( Please?
> 
> Have a nice weekend:) It's almost Christmas:) 
> 
> I love you all!


	20. 12/20/2014

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dear Harry,
> 
> love of my life, ship to my compass, home to my heart, father to my child,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a little short and yeah, I am sorry.
> 
> Happy late Ship and Compass Tattoo Anniversary:)

Louis can't really remember the last time he slept more than two hours or something and people say that's what it's like to have a baby well but they don't know that it's also what it is like to had a baby.

 

He is really nervous about his meeting with the adoption agency and he still doesn't really understand what he has to do or who is going to decided if he or the couple gets to adopt Clover. He Just hopes whoever is in charge isn't homophobic. There are stories like this everywhere, aren't they? Stories about same sex couples not getting a child because of the way they are. After all, same sex marriage is only allowed in England since this year. And they are still people who are against this.

 

He can't lose Clover. They can't lose her. He said they will be okay and that they will have a family either way. But he is not sure if he will be able to adopt other children if they lose her now.

 

He just have to tell the people there how much Clover means to them. How much they already love her. And how happy she is with them.

 

-

 

 

“That was good, wasn't it?” Niall asks after they leave the registrar's office. “This family judge was really friendly and I think he liked you.” Louis nods distantly. It could have gone a lot worse, that's true. But people in the court were really nice and understanding. But the couple, Max and Paula, are also really nice people and Louis begins to doubt everything. Maybe Cloe is better on with a normal, stable home, a mum and a dad who are not famous and followed by paparazzi all the time, a family that doesn't live on the road and parents who are a little older. But then again, is there a right time to have a baby. Are they any right circumstances? He is not sure. All he knows is that they can just wait, till the decision is made on Monday.

 

Liam and Zayn insisted to have them all over tonight because they don't want to leave there best friends alone with this. But it's strange not having Cloe crawling around in the living room, picking everything up she finds. They all got used to her so quickly.

 

They watch some TV and they order some Pizza but it all feels wrong. Niall's heart breaks every time he looks at Louis or Harry. He is just glad that their fingers are intertwined the whole evening, he is just happy they are doing this together. But he is still afraid what will happen when they really lose her.

 

Other couples break over this. Other couples get divorced over this. But Harry and Louis won't. Harry and Louis are not like any other couple. Niall sees it in the way Louis holds Harry tight, in the way their bodies are pressed against each other, in the way Louis' kisses Harry's forehead and runs his thumb up and down the younger boy's wrist.

 

And Niall's heart aches by how much they love each other.

 

“It will be fine, you know.” He says and Louis looks up. “It will be okay.” He says a little louder but he is not sure who or what he means.

 

“Thanks Nialler.” Louis smiles weakly. “What were you going to tell me the other day?” He adds soon after. “When I got the phone call that...you know. You were about to tell me something.”

 

Niall frowns. He still wants to share it with the guys. But right now doesn't seem to be the right time.  
  
“I...not that important.”

 

Louis raises his eyebrows and Niall can feel the other boys looking at them in confusion.

 

“Are you sure?”

 

No he thinks. It really is very important.

 

“Yes.”

 

-

 

The other boys don't really want to let them go and they just approve when Harry and Louis promise to come over tomorrow morning.

 

Harry appreciates their concern, it is really sweet how caring they are. But he really just want to lay in bed beside Louis and read today's letter. It was the only thing he was looking forward to the whole day.

 

He doesn't let go of Louis hand as he opens the letter.

 

_Dear Harry,_

_love of my life, ship to my compass, home to my heart, father to my child,_

 

_should I tell you were I really went yesterday? When I was out for a walk?_

_  
I went to the tattoo parlour. I got a tattoo for Clover._

 

_Do you remember the December two years ago? It was the worst. It was even worse than last year if that is possible. We were separated, not allowed to see each other. You were set up with Taylor and I had to see El all the time and management were pushing so hard for us to be straight. “Normal.” Like they said._

 

_And I have never cried more in my life than this 3 weeks. I just felt like I was powerless and that was the worst. There was nothing I could do. I couldn't fix it. I couldn't help you, I couldn't make you happy. I could not even hold you in my arms. I couldn't be true to who I am, who we were. And I was so done with all of this._

 

_But then you went to get your ship and we talked about it before, the ship and the compass, right? And when Li showed me the pics I was confused at first because we were still working on them it was just something that was in our heads. But then you went out to get it done. And I knew what you were saying._

 

“ _Be strong Louis. We will get through this. We'll survive this. I will always come home to you. I love you.”_

 

_This was the only way to say it. The only way to express your feelings. And I cried so hard when I realized what you just did. And then I went out and got my compass and somehow I didn't felt so powerless any more. You showed me that there would always be a way to have some control._

_We showed the world how much we loved each other back then. Even if not everyone opened their eyes to see it._

 

 

_Yesterday I felt like that again, at least the part where I couldn't do anything about my situation. And the first thing I could think of was getting a tattoo. And that's what I did. I got a tattoo for Clover. I know I said I wanted to have her first word tattoo somewhere. Or her first scribble. But maybe we will never get this._

 

_So I got a princess crown on my right wrist and I finally got my “Always in my heart”-Tattoo right under it. You know I wanted to get it for a long time now and I thought it would fit. No matter what she will always be in our hearts Haz. And I do not regret taking her into our care._

 

_I am sorry. I know it hurts Harry. It hurts a lot._

 

 

_I love you. Please let us go through this together Haz._

 

_I need you._

 

_Always in my heart, sincerely yours Louis._

 

 

Harry looks up. “Can you show me?” Louis nods and rolls up his sleeves. The skin is still red and irritated. Harry softly kisses the crown. “It's beautiful, Lou.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading.
> 
> I researched a bit for this adoption thing and I am pretty sure it doesn't work that fast normally but just ignore it please:)
> 
> 4 MORE DAYS TILL CHRISTMAS AND LOUIS TURNING 23, HELP!


	21. 12/21/2014

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We'll be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am a little nervous for this chapter.

Zayn wakes up to Liam kissing his palms, his fingertips, his ring.

 “Morning jaan.”

 

“Morning fiancée.” Liam smirks.

 

“How did you sleep?”

 

“A lot better.” Zayn raises his eyebrows.

 

“Really!” Liam assures. “I mean, I have still trouble falling asleep, but at least I slept for four hours straight so that's better right?”

 

And then he kisses Zayn deeply, pressing his whole body against his, breathing him in.

 

“I want to tell them Zayn. I mean, we can't right now, that wouldn't be fair to them. But I just wanted to say that I am dying to tell everyone.”

 

Zayn beams at him. “We can tell our families when we're home for Christmas. Karen is going to freak out. All of them really. It will be perfect.”

 

Liam nods and continues to leave kisses all over his boyfriend's skin.

 

“It already is perfect.”

 

-

 

“Lou?” Harry ask, lying on his back eyes focused on the ceiling.

  
“Yeah?”

 

“Will you still love me when I am not the father of your child any more.”

 

Louis gasps and rolls on his side so he can get a look at Harry. The younger boy's eyes are filled with tears again and Louis can't handle it.

 

“Harry, darling. Look at me.” Harry turns his head a little, a single tear rolling down his cheek.

“Fuck Harry. I will always love you. And you...you will always be her father in some way. Okay? No matter what she will always be a part of us. Do you understand me?”

 

Harry doesn't answer.

 

“Harry.”

 

“Y..Yes. She will always be our princess.”

 

Why does this hurt so bad?

 

-

 

Harry, Louis and Niall are over at Zayn and Liam's and the first time in month Louis wishes they had some promo to do, so he had a distraction. But then again he don't think he can concentrate on anything right now.

 

“So when tomorrow will be the decision?” Zayn asked to break the silence.

 

“11.30 am.” Louis answers. “I really think about not going. Clover will be there and I can't stand to see her with this couple.” His voice cracks a little.

 

“You have to go.” Niall looks up. “I mean what if they choose you and you're not there. There is still a chance, I mean they saw how much you loved her and maybe they will choose...”

 

“No Niall!” Louis cuts him off. “You don't understand. They will never choose a single gay man over a straight couple. And they wouldn't choose a gay couple over a straight one. It doesn't matter that we took care of Cloe when she needed someone because the world we live in is cruel and bad and people will never except two boys loving each other. But that is something you can't understand Niall so stop talking to me and be fucking thankful that you can have children without this shit okay?”

 

Louis didn't mean to yell at Niall, there is just so many anger locked inside of him, but it's not fair tp let it out on his friend. He regrets it immediately as he looks in Niall's eyes and sees the hurt.

 

“Ni sorry I...”

 

“No Louis, actually I am...Never mind.”

 

Niall stands up and storms out the room and leaves the boys around clueless.

 

“What was that about?” Zayn asks in confusion. And Louis stands up because he was the one who fucked up, he caused this but Liam is faster.

 

“No Lou, I think I should get this. It's okay.”

 

And Louis nods. Yeah, he would just do more harm. It seems like he can't get anything right these days.

 

-

 

Liam finds Niall on the balcony, cheeks still still wet but he isn't crying any more.

  
“Ni?” The younger boy looks up and makes a little place for Liam to stand beside him.

  
“Will you tell me what this was about?”

 

Niall is silent for a minute. This is not the right time or the right place. But maybe something like this doesn't exist. And now is the best he gets.

 

“Can I tell you something Leemo? Something I've known for a while, but I have never told anyone before?”

 

“Of course. You can talk to me about anything.”

 

“Okay. But promise you won't laugh. And don't judge me for this.”

 

Liam holds up his pinky and intertwines it with Niall's, before he smiles at him encouraging.

  
“Go on Ni.”

 

“I...This...Well, this is hard. How did you do this?”

 

“Do what Niall?”

 

The younger boy shakes his head, "I feel so stupid for struggling with this, I feel so stupid that this is so hard to say out loud. I really shouldn't, not when you all know what I'm going through... I am sorry." He buries his face in his hands.

Liam pats his back not really sure what to do or expect.

"Whatever it Ni,just tell me!"

“I...I might be in love with a boy. I am pretty sure about it actually.”

 

And Liam doesn't laugh but he smiles a little bit. He is relieved to be honest.

 

“This is great Ni. Wait, it's none of us isn't it?”

 

Now Niall laughs and this feels good, this isn't nearly as awkward or bad as he excepted it to be. All he really feels is relieved because he said it out loud. Liam pulls him into a hug.

 

“You should really tell the others. Fuck, a hell of a boy band we are.”

 

-

 

“Who?” Harry asks and for the first time this day a small smile appears on his face. And Louis stands up and wraps him into a hug whispers 'I am sorry' in his ear.

 

“I mean, I don't think I am gay, more like bi...I still like girls. But he just...he was there if I needed him and...I don't know this is still new to me, I am still figuring things out and...” Niall tries to explain himself even though he don't has to because if there are four people in this world who understand him it's his boys. But that's why he was afraid to tell them and was afraid to admit it to himself. Because he's seen his four best friends struggle with this. He had to let Liam cry on his shoulder one too many times not to be afraid of this. But he also knows it's going to be just fine.

 

“But who?” Zayn asks with a grin on his face.

 

Niall blushes. “Josh.”

 

-

 

Harry and Louis both can't sleep this night so Harry reads the letter while his boyfriend is cuddled up against his bare chest, eyes closed but wide awake.

 

_My beloved husband._

_Harry._

 

_I couldn't get Clover out of my head today. The way she smiles when she hears your voice. The way her eyes shine every time she is happy. How she crawls through the room like a lighting. How she doesn't like apples but loves bananas(that was you Harry, be honest.) The way she clenches her little fists if she want something..._

_I need to stop before I am making myself cry again._

 

_So let me write about something I got really good in the last year._

 

_Let me right about how much I love you._

 

 

 

_I love you like winter's first snow, all innocent, soft and new._

 

_I love you like the sea after a storm, like the deepest ocean's blue._

 

_Like the darkest winter night, with all of it's stars never shone brighter._

 

 

_I love you like the sun loves the moon, illuminating you by night._

 

_I love you like candle, dying to spend you light._

 

_Like a shooting star, always been a fighter._

 

 

_I love you like London by night, beautiful and still._

 

_I love you like the hanging clouds right upon the hill._

 

_Like the place between land an sky, never been wider._

 

 

_I have loved you since the very first start, so never doubt my love for you._

 

_Loving you has never been hard, and nothing has ever been so true._

 

_Just let me hold you for the rest of our life every day a little tighter._

 

 

 

_Okay I am sorry, that was actually pretty shit. Forgive me._

_Let me give you some lyrics instead, I discovered I really love “A great big world.”_

 

 

_You'll be okay._

_You'll be okay._

_The sun will rise_

_To better days_

 

 

_And change will come_  
 _It's on it's way_  
 _Just close your eyes_  
 _And let it rain_

_'Cause you're never alone_  
 _And I will always be there_  
 _You just carry on_  
 _You will understand_

_You'll be okay_  
 _You'll be okay_  
 _Just look inside_  
 _You know the way_

_Let it go_  
 _Fly away_  
 _And say goodbye_  
 _To yesterday_

_'Cause you're never alone_  
 _And I will always be there_  
 _You just carry on_  
 _You will understand_

_And I will be strong_  
 _When love is gone_  
 _And I'll carry on..._

_You'll be okay_  
 _You'll be okay_  
 _The sun will rise_  
 _To better days_

_You'll be okay_  
 _You'll be okay_  
 _Just close your eyes_  
 _And let it rain_

_When you need it the most_  
 _And all you've got is a prayer_  
 _You must carry on_  
 _You will understand_  
 _You will understand_  
 _You will understand_

_You'll be okay_  
 _You'll be okay_  
 _You'll be okay._

 

 

_We'll be okay Harry. I promise you.”_

 

 

_In love, Louis_

 

“We'll be okay.” Harry repeats voice hushed for him as well as for Louis. “We'll be okay.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We'll lot of stuff happened today. What do you think about Nialler's crush<3?
> 
> Fingers crossed for Clover tomorrow:):):)
> 
> A wonderful 4th advent to all of you.  
> You are so lovely.  
> Love you lots.


	22. 12/22/2014

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “If you only knew how much we love you baby girl.”

The air in the court room is cold and stifling as Louis waits to hear the final decision. It's silent as if the world had stopped for a while to hold its breath and wait with him. The only sound he can hear is his heartbeat, loud and clear.

Now it's time, now he will find out what the rest of his life is going to be like.

 

“And princess' new parents are Paula and Max Sadler.”

 

Louis heart drops.

 

“Loui.”

 

Wait what? Why are they calling his name? He thought the Paula and her husband gt Clover.

 

“Louis?”

 

Yes, I am here, he tries to answer but no sound his coming from his lips.

 

“Lou, honey, wake up. We have to get ready!”

 

The boy opens his eyes to see his husband sitting on the edge of the bed, carefully running his fingers through Louis' hair, smiling softly.

 

I was just a dream.

 

-

Louis holds Harry's hand tightly as the enter the building. It is like it was in his dream. Cold and grey and definitely not the place you get to know if you're allowed to adopt the baby you've already called yours.

 

“Hello, Mr. Tomlison.” Mrs. Henderson greets him with a warm smile but Louis isn't really paying attention because he spotted Clover at the other end of the room. A young woman, probably a social worker is carrying her, but the little girl is crying and Louis has to look away. It breaks his heart.

 

He feels Harry tensing up beside him, holding onto his hand as if it was the only thing to give him x right now.

 

“Good luck, Mr. Tomlinson.” Mrs. Henderson smiles before she walks away too talk to someone else.

 

-

 

They've told the boys not to come. Louis can't cope with to many people today. If they get through with the adoption they will stop by at Liam and Zayn's but if they don't, and that's more likely to be the case, he just wants to crawl into bed with Harry, hide under the blankets and never come out again. At least not this year.

 

He knows they can be quite happy not to have any press or paparazzi around. But then again the adoption agency has probably dealt with other celebrities before, so they know how to keep things private.

 

There are not many people in thee room, just a few advisors, the woman who is holding Clover, the judge, the other couple, Mrs. Henderson and a few more.

 

The woman, Paula, keeps watching them as they stand up and see keeps looking over during the greeting.

 

“We are here today because of the adoption of...”

 

Paula stands up again all of a sudden and Mrs. Henderson stops talking.

 

“I...I have something to say.” Paula's voice is shaking a little bit.

 

“Mrs. Sadler, can this wait please?”

 

“No actually, it is important.” The small woman breathes in deeply. “Max and I...we made a decision. We've been waiting to get a baby for so long and it was really heard when the last adoption didn't work out. But this girl was his mum and she had the right to keep him. I've never lost the faith in us, May and I will find our child, it is out their waiting for us to love him. And Clover is a wonderful, lovely child. But she is not ours. She already has two dads who love her and everyone can feel that they belong together. So we decided that we want to step back from the adoption.”

 

Louis isn't sure if his heart is still beating.

 

“So, uhm.” Mrs. Henderson clears her throat. “I just have too...” She leans over to the man beside her and changes a few hushed words. Well, and Louis' heart definitely stopped beating and the whole world holds his breath with him.

 

“Well.” Mrs. Henderson smiles. “If that is the case, we came to the conclusion that after some formal inspections we can happily announce Clover's new adoptive father Louis Tomlinson.”

 

He can't breath as Harry hugs him tightly lifting his feet up from the ground and he can't breath as he kisses him and he still can't breath as Harry goes over to hug Mr. and Mrs. Sadler and the can't breath as the social worker hands him a crying baby.

 

“Shh, princess, you'll be okay.” And Clover looks at him and she stops crying, her blue eyes widen as they meet his she smiles softly.

 

“Hi. Hi Clover. I've missed you princess. Hi. Baby girl. My baby girl. Hi.” He can't stop his tears and he doesn't try. She is his, she is theirs.

 

Harry comes over and takes Clover in his arms so Louis can go and thank Paula and Max and he hugs the woman really tight. He can't believe this is happening. “Thank you. Thank you so much.”

 

“I saw how much you love her in your eyes. And they remembered me of my dad. You deserve her.”

She has tears in her eyes but she is smiling and Louis is sure she will be a great mum someday.

 

“Thank you!” Louis repeats. “Your children will have a wonderful life. I am sure everything will be okay.”

 

Because it will.

 

-

 

Liam is a little nervous. He walks through the apartment while Zayn and Niall play FIFA in the living room. Why haven't Harry or Louis called yet? This means it's bad news doesn't it?

He couldn't cope with bad news.

 

He doesn't get it why Zayn and Niall can be so calm and play stupid video games. But then again, distraction might actually not be such a bad idea.

 

His heart jumps as the doorbell rings and he is at the or immediately. As he looks in the three faces in front of him he screams and wraps them all in a hug. And then Zayn and Niall are there too, joining them from behind and Clover isn't really sure what is happening, but she feels loved.

 

-

 

Tonight, Harry and Louis stay awake again but just because they don't need any sleep, all they need is too look at their baby girl, watch her sleep and all they need is this, this family.

 

As Louis falls asleep at 5 am Harry opens the letter Louis gave him when they came home earlier.

 

 

_Dear Harry._

 

_Tomorrow will decided how our life will change. And I would love to tell you that we'll be happy either way, that it doesn't matter what happens but that's not true. If we lose Clover it will hurt. Our hearts will break. It will hard. But you know that._

 

_I have planned something for next year. I don't know why I am telling you this now because it's supposed to be a surprise. But I wanted to go on honeymoon with you, because we never went on one. I have tickets for a flight to Paris because that's going to be our first step. Than we will spend a week on the beach in Australia and we can have the wedding we always dreamed of, or at least we can pretend to. Just you and me barefoot in the sand Harry Styles. That what I've always dreamed of. We can go skinny dipping in the night and we can love each other as much as we want to._

 

_Our last step will be first Doncaster, then Holmes Chapel, because I miss home and I know you do too._

 

_The reason I am telling you this, is a promise: If we lose her, if we don't get our baby girl to legally be our daughter, if our hearts break tomorrow, we will still take this journey. We'll take this journey because I am pretty sure Paris and Australia and home is where broken hearts go._

 

_And we will take all the time we need to mend our hearts._

 

_And let me tell you something else. The reason this hurts so bad is because we are parents now. And no matter what happens we always will be._

 

_And yes that is really sad but it's also wonderful._

_R.M. Drake once said: “Maybe we feel empty because we leave pieces of ourselves in everything we used to love.”_

 

_I don't want to say that I feel empty all the time but I am saying that I more than pleased with the thought that we will leave something of us I with her when she leaves. Because in this short amount of time our love for her was so deep and so genuine and it will never fade. But it doesn't have a chance to grow any more so we will just leave her with who we are now, with the piece of us which discovered what love really means._

 

 

_Harry, I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I just know that we will always be with her, in some kind of way._

 

 

_And I promise you another thing. I won't shut you out. We will survive tomorrow together, because as long as I have you I will never feel completely empty._

 

 

_With all the love I can give, Louis._

 

 

“Oh Clover.” Harry whispers. “If you only knew how much we love you baby girl.”

 

And now they have more than enough time to show her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, this was a little short, but the family is reunited. 
> 
> And Christmas is near.
> 
> And I need to sleep.
> 
> (And I love all of you so much. Thanks for reading and the comments, thanks for everything, you are amazing.)
> 
> I love you as much as Louis loves Harry!


	23. 12/23/2014

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is it Harry, isn't it? Our miracle. Our dream.
> 
> Our girl. Our daughter. Our life.

 

Harry wakes up to Louis looking at him and Clover. The little girl was allowed to sleep in their bed for once, mostly because both, Harry and Louis weren't ready to leave her alone, and if it was just one room away.

 

“Good morning sunshine.” Louis greets him with a smile so big it could light up the whole town.

 

“How did you sleep?”

 

 

“Good actually.” Harry frowns. “How late is it?”

 

“Half past two.” Louis smirks.

 

“What?” Harry shakes his head. “And you didn't wake me?”

 

“I thought you deserved a good night's sleep. Me and Clover had breakfast together, but then she was tired again so I laid her down and watched the two of you. Plus I had time to write your letter.”

 

He brings his lips on Harry's, mouth still smiling.

 

“I am gonna take a shower, okay?”

 

Harry nods and watches his husband leave. Then the baby beside him begins to move.

  
“Hello Clover.” Harry smiles at the girl waking up. “You are beautiful.”

 

 

She just lays there contently so Harry starts to read the letter to here.

 

 

_This is it Harry, isn't it? Our miracle. Our dream._

_Our girl. Our daughter. Our life._

 

_I prayed quite a lot these past days, even though I don't usually do that much often. I don't know if it helped. But whoever made this happen, I thank you, a thousand times._

 

_This is it._

 

_The life you deserve. I can finally make your dreams come through. It makes me a bit proud actually. I am proud of both of us._

 

_We have a baby Harry. And not just a baby. Our baby. Clover Jay Anne Tomlinson-Styles (We have to get to the registrar's office to let her name change.)_

 

_She is ours and we're going to raise her just fine._

 

_I love you so much Harry. And god, I love our little princess so much. And this letter is just me rambling about how happy I am but I can't think of anything else right now._

 

_This is our life, our dream._

_There is just one thing, I guess there ain't going to be a honeymoon and a beach wedding in January. I am actually sorry about this but I think it's too much for Cloe just now._

 

_Maybe we can drive to Paris, spend a few days there. And visit our family of course. But the ocean and the beach have to wait a little. But we will do this one day, I promise._

 

_Oh I can't wait to show Clover the sea. She will love it._

 

_You are making cute little noises in you sleep, so I guess you're going to wake up soon. I have to finish the letter._

 

_To you Harry Tomlison-Styles and to our little Christmas miracle._

 

_With all the love I have, Louis William Tomlinson-Stlyes._

 

 

“What do you think Clover? Want to visit the ocean someday with your daddy and me?”

 

Her smile says it all.

 

“Harry.” Louis calls from the bathroom. “Get your lazy ass out of bed. Zayn and Liam invited us over.”

 

 

-

 

“Zayn. Niall is gonna bring Josh.” Liam looks up from his phone, a little surprised but mostly very happy about this news.

 

“Well that's great!” Zayn sits down beside his fiancée and wraps him into a hug. They are both wearing their engagement rings and they are beaming. It's gonna be so good to tell the boys, especially now that Clover is with them and Niall is bringing Josh and it's Christmas tomorrow.

 

“I love you so much Zayn. Do you know that?” He whispers against his fiancées hair. “Do you know how much better you make my life? How much more light and hope and love is in their, since I found you! I don't think I can thank you enough for this.”

 

Zayn smiles. “I told you what jaan means, didn't I?”

 

“Yes,” the younger boy answers. “Life or something.”

 

Zayn laughs a little. “Yes, Life is right. But it doesn't mean something it means everything. It means 'Soul of me.' I knew it when we first locked eyes. That you and I were special. You are my soul, Leeyum. And I will always love you.”

 

 

-

 

Liam watches the other boys. He watches Harry talking to Niall, Clover sitting on his lap. Louis, Josh and Zayn are discussing something and he notices how every one or two minutes, Louis looks up to check on Clover and Harry.

 

 

And Liam's heart fills with love. This are his boys, his brothers, his family. His everything.

 

“So boys.” He waits till all eyes are on him before he walks over to Zayn and takes his hand.   
  
“I know we've both been going on your nerves with this one so we finally...”

 

 

“No you didn't!” Louis exclaims and reaches for Zayn's hand to check on the fourth finger.

 

“Let the boy speak Lou!” Niall says and Liam smiles at all of them, smiles about how wonderful they are.

  
“Yeah but Tommo is right. I finally mustered all my courage and asked Zayn to marry me. And he said yes.” He leans down to kiss his boy, but Zayn pushes him off, acting offended.

 

“That's only half true Liam. Actually we both proposed, you just happened to be first.”

 

“Doesn't matter. Glad you finally figured it out.” Louis stands up to wrap them in a hug and all of the other boys join.

 

This is going to be a wonderful Christmas, Harry thinks. And he has an idea to make it even more special.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is late and short, but Christmas is almost here and Louis' birthday too and I should probably sleep now!
> 
> Love you all!


	24. 12/24/2014

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I love you, with every inch of my body, with every beat of my heart, with every word that escapes my lips, with every promise I made, with every dream I have.

 

Harry has been up all night all night ton figure out how to make Louis' Christmas/Birthday-surprise happen. He was on the phone with Liam for an hour and he just hopes it will turn out fine. It is a lot to do and not much time, but if it works it will be the best Christmas surprise ever.

 

He wakes Louis up with breakfast in bed, pancakes and fresh orange juice, just how Louis likes it. They stay in bed for a little while, cuddling with Clover, reading the Christmas story to her. Harry can feel it, this is the wonder of Christmas. This is what it feels like. Louis makes him love himself. And that is worth so much.

 

-

 

Niall wakes up to Josh sleeping and his heart starts beating faster. Yesterday was the first night he stayed over. They didn't do anything, just kissing a little and falling asleep hands intertwined. But it felt so good. It still feels so good.

 

“Good morning Josh!” Niall smiles as the older boy opens his eyes.

 

“Good morning sunshine.” Josh leans over to kiss Niall and really, how could he miss this all these years.

  
“Merry Christmas.”

 

-

 

Liam would love to spend the whole day in bed with Zayn, but they will hopefully have time for that after the Christmas days. Today he has to get up early because he really wants to help Harry and he offered his and Zayn's flat to go to.

 

He lets his fiancée sleep in though. On days like these he still can't believe that this is his life. And it's not just the singing part, though this has always been his dream. But waking up to Zayn sleeping beside him, admiring this beautiful who is his, who loves him, knowing he will drive home with him tonight, visiting first his family and than his own. This is more than he was ever been dreaming of.

 

Christmas is a state if mine, right? And Christmas means love. And that's all he's feeling right now. There is so much love around him right now, with Harry, Louis and Clover building a little family, and Niall and Josh being newly enamoured in each other and with Zayn loving him as much as on the first they but also a lot more and they will marry each other, finally, next year and he can't really believe there's so much love in his life right now.

 

-

 

Niall and Josh pick Louis and Clover up at noon to drive them to the surprise.

 

“Do I really have to wear a blindfold?” The birthday boy asked, playing annoyed.

 

“You always have something to complain about right?” Niall jokes. “It wouldn't be a surprise otherwise.”  
  


“But I want to know now. Cloe, do you know anything? Be a good girl and tell daddy.” But the little girl just laughs at her dad having a scarf around his eyes. He won't be getting any information from her.

 

“We're here.” Josh announces and Louis feels a hand taking his, leading him out of the car and then upstairs somewhere. “Shoes out.”

 

Louis does as he is told. “Socks too.”

 

“Why should I take off my socks?” Louis is confused.

 

“Louis, just do it already.”

 

And the boy does, but he tries to figure out about what this could be.

 

He gets lead in another room and suddenly he feels something under his bare feet. Is this sand?

 

“What the hell.” He whispers to himself.

 

“Hi Louis.” This is Harry's voice. Before he can answer he feels familiar lips on his own. “Happy Birthday. I am gonna take of your blindfold now. Okay?”

 

Louis nods.

 

As soon as he opens his eyes he has to close them again because the lights are blinding him. As he opens them the second time he recognises Zayn and Liam's living room. Except it doesn't look like their living room at all. There is sand everywhere on the floor, there are palms and everyone is bare foot and is dresses in shorts and shirts.

 

“What is this?” Louis whispers in awe.

 

“This love.” Harry smiles. “This is our dream wedding. Because figured if we can't go to the beach, the beach has to come to us.”

 

And Louis isn't crying but he kind of is and he hugs Harry tightly.

“Thank you, Harry.”

 

Niall stands at the other end of the room under a beautiful wedding arch decked with white flowers.

 

“Can we start?” And Louis nods, because yes, of course. There's isn't a thing he'd rather do right now.

 

“I figured we'd just walk down the aisle together?” Harry asks and takes his hand. And again, Louis isn't crying.

 

Zayn and Liam are standing at each side of the arch and Josh and Clover are sitting in the sand in front of them.

 

“We are here today.” Niall starts. “To renew the vows of Harry and Louis Tomlinson-Styles and also to have the wedding they always dreamed of. When I look at the two of you I see what love should be like. Your relationship has given me the strength and courage to be true to myself. You show us, that is doesn't matter who you love. And you've shown us what real love can go trough.

You two had so many rocks in your way but you built something beautiful out of every single one of them. You had so much to struggle with but you never give up on each other. You deserve to be happy more than anyone else and that's why we're here today. Because even if we already hold a wedding this year, we are more than happy to hold as many as you want. We'd do everything for you and you know that. We all love you. Now it is time to say your vows.”

 

“I guess today it's my turn to begin.” Harry smiles at Lou. “I can still remember how fast my heart was beating when I was standing in front of you the first time, a few month back. And I remember how you proposed to me, exactly one year ago. These days, and the day we got Clover, were the best days of my life. A year ago you promised me that this year, 2014, was going to be our year. And Louis, we had no idea how right you would be. This was our year in every way you can imagine. It was the hardest, most challenging, emotional year of our lives. But at the same time it was the most wonderful. And that's only possible because I have you. Only with you the hardest year of my life can turn out to be the best. And I will always do everything in my power to make you hard times better, to bring light into your darkest nights and to love you, when you can't love yourself. That's what I vow today.”

 

And no, Louis is really not crying.

  
“Harry Tomlinson-Styles.” He takes Harry's hands in his. “You know that you are my dream come true right? And further than that, you make all my dreams come true. This...this is amazing. I can't even find words for how great this is. You always know what I need. You know me better than I know myself. And that's what I love you for. But actually it's just one of many, many things. I can't even start telling you the reasons for my love because I think Niall would probably kill me. So let me just say, that I love you more than words can say. And now lets get this done because I am dying to kiss you.”

 

The other boys applaud and Louis can't wait. He just hast to kiss Harry.

 

-

 

Josh takes Niall to the airport. He has a private jet to fly him to Ireland because else there would be to many people stalking him.

 

They say their goodbyes in a dark corner of the airport, Niall's back pressed against the cold, grey wall.

 

“I know this is just the beginning.” Josh whispers against his lips between two kisses. “But I want everything that comes with it. With you.”

 

Niall can feel his heart beating against his chest and he is pretty sure he has never felt that way before.

  
“Thank you Josh.”

 

“For what?”

 

“For...being there when I needed someone and for making me feel loved. For...for showing me what being in love really means.”

Josh smiles his brightest smile Niall has ever seen before he closes the younger boy's lips with his own.

 

“I love you Niall.”

 

It's the first time he said it. But it feels completely right, so Niall doesn't hesitate to say it right back.

 

“I love you too.”

 

And he knows it is true.

 

-

 

Zayn and Liam spend Christmas eve with the Malik family and they will visit the Payne's tomorrow.

 

But for now they lay in their bed, Zayn's head resting on Liam's chest and they are both tired but also very happy.

 

“I love you jaan.” Zayn whispers as he intertwines Liam's fingers with his.

 

“This is going to be us soon Zayn. Walking down the aisle, saying our vows to each other at the altar. This is not just a dream any more.” The younger boy kisses his boyfriend's hair and holds him as close as he can.

 

“We are going to be married Zayn.”

 

And the older boy presses a kiss against Liam's bare chest and smiles widely.

 

“Yes. And that's the best Christmas present I've ever got.”

 

“How do you want to have it? The wedding I mean.”

 

Zayn thinks for a while. “I don't know actually...what do you think?”

 

“I...A castle? Like an really old and beautiful, big castle. I really like that idea. But I also did some research. I am not sure how important it is for you and your family. But for me, I really like the Pakistan wedding ritual. Like celebrating for days, having Henna tattoos drawn on our arms, all of this.”

 

Zayn lifts his head up to look into Liam's chocolate brown eyes, but he doesn't say anything.

 

“Honey?” Liam asks nervously. “What do you think?”

 

“I think it is not possible to love you more than I do right now.”

 

-

 

Louis and Harry brought Clover to bed after a wonderful evening with both of their families at Jay's and Daniel's house. The little twins and Clover good along great and everyone loved the newest family member.

 

“Ready for your last letter?” Louis asks as he lets himself fall on the bed, pulling Harry down with him.

 

“Always!” The younger boy smirks.

 

“I want you to read it while I'm laying next to you.”

 

“Okay.”

 

_London, 24.12.2013_

 

_Dear Darling,_

 

_today..._

 

“Wait.” Harry stops. “You wrote this one year ago?”

 

“Yeah.” Louis smiles. “Keep reading.”

 

_today, I asked you to marry me and you said yes. This is for sure the happiest day in my life so far._

 

_And a year from now, we will probably (hopefully) be married and I will hopefully be able to hold your hand when we're walking through the streets of London._

 

_You know Harry, sometimes I think my dreams aren't even that big. I just want to hold your hand. I want to kiss you without having to worry that someone sees it. I want to wake up next to you every day of the rest of my life. I want to call you my husband._

 

_But then again, maybe this are the biggest dream a man ever had._

 

_And yet I know that they will come true. Maybe a year from now, maybe in two years or in ten. I don't now and it doesn't matter. Because I now they will eventually._

_As long as you're by my side dreams will come true and promises will be kept and this is love._

 

_I got lost in your eyes a while ago and I never want to find myself again._

 

_Loving you was never part of the plan._

 

_But it was everything I never knew I needed._

 

_If I could promise you one thing today, it would be this:_

 

_One year from now,_

_one Christmas eve and my 23th birthday,_

_when you will read this letter,_

_I will lay beside you and hold your hand._

_And my love for you will only have grown._

_You will finish the letter and then you look at me._

_And my blue eyes meet your emerald ones,_

_knowing that you are all I ever need._

_And than I will kiss you,_

_feel you, love you,_

_because I am craving to taste your lips._

_And we will fall asleep next to each other,_

_my arms around your waist,_

_and a beautiful wedding band will adorn our forth finger on the left hand,_

_and I will love you more than ever before._

 

 

_How does this sound Harry Styles?_

 

 

_I love you, with every inch of my body, with every beat of my heart, with every word that escapes my lips, with every promise I made, with every dream I have._

 

_Always in my heart Harry Styles. Yours sincerely, Louis._

 

_Merry Christmas._

 

Harry is not crying as he connects their lips. And he is not crying as his hands find Louis waist, pulling him closer. 

 

He holds him tight and he is not crying as their eyes meet and he is definitely not crying as they whisper “I love you” to each other. 

 

He is not crying as Louis kisses his wedding band.

 

He is not crying.

 

“Merry Christmas Lou.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not crying. 
> 
> Merry Christmas to all of you. I hope you are having some wonderful days with your loved ones.
> 
> I thank you, every single one of you who has accompanied me on this journey. It was an honour to write my story about this beautiful boys and to share their love with you. Thank you for reading and for your kind words and encouragements.
> 
> I love you. And I really mean that with all my heart.
> 
> Also a massive Shout out to my boy Louis Tomlinson. Happy Birthday sunshine:)
> 
> This is it:) I am both sad and happy.
> 
> I love you:)
> 
> Oh and if you want catch me up on tumblr if you want:)
> 
> http://itisthesuninyoureyes.tumblr.com/

**Author's Note:**

> A wonderful Christmas time to all of you beautiful people out there <3


End file.
